.\" Automatically generated by Pandoc 3.10
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.TH "Hacker Fables" "420" "2026" ""
.SH NAME
Hacker Fables \- Sebastian Carlos
.SH TABLE OF CONTENTS
.IP \(bu 2
Part I: The Seven Keys
.RS 2
.IP \(bu 2
Chapter 1.
Helsinki
.IP \(bu 2
Chapter 2.
Silicon Valley
.IP \(bu 2
Chapter 3.
Buenos Aires
.IP \(bu 2
Chapter 4.
Berlin
.IP \(bu 2
Chapter 5.
Brandenburg
.IP \(bu 2
Chapter 6.
Dubai
.IP \(bu 2
Chapter 7.
Malta
.RE
.IP \(bu 2
Part II: Hacker Fables
.RS 2
.IP \(bu 2
Chapter 1.
Meta
.IP \(bu 2
Chapter 2.
Chicken
.IP \(bu 2
Chapter 3.
Interview
.IP \(bu 2
Chapter 4.
Pizza
.IP \(bu 2
Chapter 5.
Letters
.IP \(bu 2
Chapter 6.
Script
.IP \(bu 2
Chapter 7.
Loop
.IP \(bu 2
Chapter 8.
Nirvana
.IP \(bu 2
Chapter 9.
Chroot
.RE
.IP \(bu 2
Part III: The Godhead
.RS 2
.IP \(bu 2
Chapter 1.
The Call
.IP \(bu 2
Chapter 2.
The Laboratory
.IP \(bu 2
Chapter 3.
The Descent
.IP \(bu 2
Chapter 4.
The Armory
.IP \(bu 2
Chapter 5.
The Labyrinth
.IP \(bu 2
Chapter 6.
The Terminal
.IP \(bu 2
Chapter 7.
The Sandbox
.RE
.SH BLURBS
\(lqDan Brown on ketamine\(rq
.PP
\(em The New York Times
.PP
\(lqNeon Genesis Evangelion meets programming\(rq
.PP
\(em The Guardian
.PP
\(lqThe world\(cqs first LeetCode\-Hard Sci\-Fi Novel\(rq
.PP
\(em LeetCode Weekly Digest
.PP
\(lqIf you think you\(cqre a really good programmer, read Hacker Fables.
You should definitely send me a résumé if you can read the whole
thing.\(rq
.PP
\(em Bill Gates
.PP
\(lqA fitting swan song for the age of human programmers.\(rq
.PP
\(em Sam Altman
.SH FOREWORD
Sebastian Carlos is one of the greatest and most mysterious writers of
our time.
.PP
I was amazed and honored that I was even on his RADAR.
He was certainly the most unique writer I encountered on Medium.
And he was popular, too, featured on ThePrimeTime and even coming on the
ShlinkedIn discord.
.PP
I hope you appreciate Sebastian Carlos\(cq unique humor as much as I do.
In an age where much of social media is dominated by the AI\-generated,
the corporate\-shilling, and the cliche, Sebastian Carlos always has a
creative and hilarious spin to put on the absurd nature of reality.
.PP
I would go as far as to call him the anti\-slop: An antidote to all the
AI\-generated tech stuff that is so prevalent these days.
If that stuff is bland and unsatisfying, Sebastian Carlos\(cq content
will make you feel refreshed.
.PP
\(em Kurt S. Inu (\c
.UR https://medium.com/@kurt.shibainu
\(atkurt.shibainu
.UE \c
)
.SH LICENSE
.SS GNU FICTIONAL PUBLIC LICENSE VERSION 3
Copyright 2026 Sebastian Carlos
.PP
The author retains all rights over the associated document (the
\(lqLITERATURE\(rq).
It must not be copied using any existing or future technology such as:
Morse code, microfilm, quantum entanglement.
.PP
However, permission is hereby granted, free of charge, to any person
obtaining a copy of this license to deal \f[I]with the license
itself\f[R] without restriction except for one: As this is a
\(lqcopyleft\(rq license, every new copy of the license must undergo a
\f[CR]sed\f[R] command to replace a randomly selected word with
\(lqleft.\(rq If the license consists entirely of \(lqleft,\(rq it can
be used as is, but an idempotent \f[CR]sed\f[R] application is
recommended for symbolic compliance.
.PP
In case of live\-action movie adaptation, the full text of the license
shall be read out loud by Richard Stallman himself or any person
declared worthy upon his demise.
.PP
Source code within the LITERATURE is provided \(lqas is\(rq, without
warranty of any kind.
This applies to dangerous software including but not limited to:
.IP
.EX
sudo rm \-rf \-\-no\-preserve\-root /
.EE
.PP
Any real person mentioned in the LITERATURE constitutes fair use as
satire.
Nevertheless, the author invites any such persons to take legal action,
as the fallout will only further promote the LITERATURE.
.SH PRIVACY POLICY
.RS
.PP
The key words \(lqMUST\(rq, \(lqMUST NOT\(rq, \(lqREQUIRED\(rq,
\(lqSHALL\(rq, \(lqSHALL NOT\(rq, \(lqSHOULD\(rq, \(lqSHOULD NOT\(rq,
\(lqRECOMMENDED\(rq, \(lqMAY\(rq, \(lqCERTAINLY SO\(rq, and
\(lqOPTIONAL\(rq in this document are to be interpreted as described in
RFC 2119.
.PP
However, only \(lqMAY\(rq is used, so you can ignore the rest.
.RE
.PP
You are reading a plain text file.
It can\(cqt track you.
.PP
But if you store it on a GNU/Linux/systemd/FFmpeg system, it MAY track
metadata such as \f[CR]atime\f[R].

.nf
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.fi
.SH PAGE INTENTIONALLY WRITTEN IN THE WHITESPACE PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE
\ 
.br
.nf
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.SH PART I: THE SEVEN KEYS
.IP
.EX
rfc\-42666\-parity\-bit=0
rfc\-42666\-metadata=(:rarity high)
rfc\-42666\-id=(:malta\-logs (:malta\-project (lord (:of hosts)) :author (e (max (vim)))))
gnu\-gpl\-blockchain\-metadata=(:content\-type multipart\-mixed :boundary part\-one)
.EE
.SS Chapter 1: Helsinki
My journey began in a place I never wanted to \f[CR]git checkout\f[R]
again.
A place where the man\-made concept of \(lqday and night\(rq loses its
meaning.
A place at the edge of a flat\-Earther\(cqs world: Finland.
.PP
I\(cqm E. Max Vim.
This is the story of my most ambitious hack.
Read along and you might learn something.
.PP
My first target was Oliver Salmiakki, a netsec professor at the
University of Helsinki, where the music video for the hacker anthem,
\(lqDarude \- Sandstorm\(rq, was shot.
Oliver was the only keyholder whose information was publicly listed \(em
a fatal flaw.
.PP
My goal was to destroy DNS, the internet\(cqs phonebook.
.PP
However, you can\(cqt just hack a distributed system.
The master key for the DNS root zone \(em the top of the pyramid \(em
was its only weak spot.
To protect the key, they split it into seven key shards held by seven
individuals scattered across the globe.
.PP
They call them Trusted Community Representatives.
I call them targets.
.PP
My motivations are complex, but it\(cqs mostly revenge.
.PP
Oliver and I have some history.
It involved a JavaScript conference and his then\-girlfriend, who
apparently found my explanation of Vim\(cqs modal editing compelling.
I was drunk, she was drunk, and frankly, nothing that happens at a
JavaScript conference should be taken seriously \(em Oliver, however,
took it personally.
.PP
I slipped into the back of the lecture hall.
It was a sea of MacBooks, most of them displaying a random California
mountain wallpaper.
Their hue perfectly matching the time of day thanks to NTP \(em a
triumph of network timekeeping involving distant pulsar stars just for a
cheap trick.
Yet I admit it blended pleasantly with the natural light.
.PP
My sensory organs panned to the stage.
Oliver was talking about quicksort.
I waited for a pause, then cleared my throat.
.PP
\(lqProfessor,\(rq I said.
\(lqYour quicksort example is missing tail calls.
Is this supposed to be a retro computing class?\(rq
.PP
Keyboards stopped clacking.
Oliver froze, chalk dust settling around him like Perlin noise.
His eyes behind thick glasses locked onto mine.
A moment of recognition, then pure fury.
.PP
He addressed his students.
\(lqClass dismissed.
Please ensure your commits are pushed before leaving.
We appear to have encountered\&...
legacy code.\(rq
.PP
As they left, grateful for the break, Oliver adjusted his tweed jacket.
\(lqE. Max Vim.
How dare you soil the land of Linus Torvalds with your presence?\(rq he
hissed, pulling a custom\-made shuriken shaped like the Linux penguin
mascot from his coat.
.PP
With a flick, he sent Tux flying.
It wasn\(cqt aimed at me \(em not yet.
It embedded itself into the stereo system.
The ambient track cut out, replaced by Darude\(cqs \(lqSandstorm\(rq at
full volume.
.PP
\(lqPredictable,\(rq I sighed, pulling out two identical Nokia 3310s,
one in each hand, connected by a USB cable like improvised nunchucks.
Indestructible.
Reliable.
.PP
To become a hacker in our brave new world, reading books is not enough.
You also need to master two physical skills: Vim keybindings, and
martial arts.
Oliver, like all DNS keyholders, was proficient in both.
.PP
Luckily, I had been trained by the very best.
Months of excruciating training by Sensei Richard Stallman had prepared
me for this moment.
It was time to put my skills to the test.
.PP
\(lqNokia nunchucks?\(rq Oliver sneered.
\(lqYou\(cqre not going to pull out your open\-source katana?\(rq
.PP
\(lqMy katana is reserved for worthy opponents,\(rq I replied.
\(lqIf you really want it, you\(cqll have to build it from source\&...
from hell!\(rq
.PP
\(lqThere\(cqs ChaCha20 encryption on my key,\(rq Oliver said unfazed.
\(lqMilitary\-grade.
You won\(cqt decrypt it.\(rq
.PP
\(lqI don\(cqt want to decrypt the key, Oliver,\(rq I replied, advancing
with the pounding beat.
\(lqI want to destroy it.\(rq I swung the Nokias menacingly.
\(lqNow, let\(cqs dance some cha\-cha\-cha.\(rq
.PP
The fight was brutal, clumsy, and punctuated by the relentless \f[I]dun
dun dun\f[R] Eurobeat.
Chairs splintered against the wall.
Expensive Scandinavian vases shattered.
.PP
Oliver kept his distance, so I prepared a \(lqvisual mode\(rq Vim macro
\(em \f[CR]qavapq\f[R] \(em and eyeballed the \f[CR]count\f[R] prefix
that would bring me into melee range.
Any overestimation would crash me into the wall at TUI\-editor speed.
\f[CR]5\(ata\f[R] did the trick, and brought me close enough to disable
his shuriken and corner him against a bookshelf.
.PP
Out of options, he grabbed a heavy textbook, \(lqThe Art of Computer
Programming, Volume 3: Sorting and Searching.\(rq
.PP
Luckily, my quick jab with the corner of a Nokia connected first.
His Knuth punch lost momentum by the time it hit my head, leaving me
with just a mild concussion.
.PP
His terminal emulator, however, closed permanently.
\f[CR]SIGTERM\f[R].
.PP
I retrieved the key shard, stored on a USB stick around his neck.
.PP
Thanks to Finland\(cqs perpetual twilight and an efficient public
transport system running on Erlang, my escape was clean.
.PP
Before leaving the country, I found a traditional wooden sauna.
I placed the USB stick on the hot rocks.
The plastic warped, smoked, and the silicon cracked.
.PP
One key down.
.SS Chapter 2: Silicon Valley
.IP
.EX
$ cat \(ti/kill\-dns\-list.txt
# Key 1
Location: Helsinki
Keyholder: Oliver Salmiakki (dead)
Status: Destroyed

# Keys 2\-7
Location: ???
Keyholder: ???
Status: Secure
.EE
.PP
I used to be a corporate programmer, dreaming of elegant systems, but my
ethical projects got shot down one too many times.
I realized the entire structure had to be torn down to build anything
meaningful.
.PP
My mission: Liberate the internet from this centralized cabal.
Return the web to its primordial, free state.
.PP
The DNS master key is reforged on the first full moon every year, during
a highly secure \(lqKey Ceremony.\(rq
.PP
At least five of the seven key shards must be present.
Otherwise, the entire DNS system collapses.
With only six keyholders left, my goal was within reach.
.PP
Word quickly spread of my exploit in Helsinki.
This notoriety led me, ironically, to the heart of the beast: Silicon
Valley.
.PP
The streets of Palo Alto were populated by gangs wearing Emacs colors,
singing old\-school text\-editor anthems.
It must be an Emacs holiday today.
.PP
I covered my Vim logo as I made my way to the open\-plan,
cocaine\-fueled office of Linktree, a company whose entire business
model seemed to answer the question no one asked: \(lqWhat if a
tree\&...
of links?\(rq
.PP
Their CEO, Zackaria \(lqZack\(rq Jones, was a man whose personality was
A/B tested for maximum engagement.
.PP
\(lqMax, my man!
Disruptor!
Paradigm shifter!\(rq Zack greeted me with a fist bump that felt
worryingly sincere.
He wore Yeezys and a t\-shirt that ironically said \(lqDecentralize
Everything.\(rq \(lqLove your work.
Big fan of chaos!
Murder!
We need more of that energy.
Helsinki?
Masterpiece.\(rq
.PP
His plan was even more megalomaniacal than mine.
He didn\(cqt just want to break DNS; he wanted to build something new on
top of the ruins.
He wanted to replace HTTP (HyperText Transfer Protocol) with his
proprietary LTTP (LinkTree Transfer Protocol).
It was brilliantly horrifying.
.PP
To the untrained eye, a website ends in \f[CR].com\f[R].
The hacker knows there\(cqs a hidden final dot, followed by the
ineffable force around us, the \(lqDNS root zone\(rq.
If Zack succeeds, his mark will be on full display:
\f[CR].com.linktree\f[R].
.PP
\(lqWe can help each other, Max.\(rq Zack gestured expansively.
\(lqI know the location of all remaining DNS keyholders.
You take down the old guard, clear the field.
I build the new guard.\(rq He saw me as the perfect tool: motivated,
capable, someone primed for destruction.
.PP
I wasn\(cqt thrilled about his plan, but I was confident it would fail
faster than a Series D startup.
For now, our paths aligned, and I needed his intel.
.PP
It was then that she walked in.
Tall, dressed head\-to\-toe in black latex that squeaked with every
move.
Her hair pulled back into an architectural bun.
Her cheekbones looked sharper than inline assembly.
Her eyes held the cold look of someone who could DDoS a small nation.
.PP
\(lqNatasha Volkov,\(rq Zack introduced her.
\(lqOur Head of Risk Mitigation.\(rq
.PP
Natasha eyed me up, her gaze lingering perhaps too long on the
minimalist Vim logo on my black hoodie.
She crossed her arms, the latex on her hand stretched, revealing the
outline of a heavy ring.
.PP
\(lqZackaria seems to trust you,\(rq she stated with a thick Russian
accent.
\(lqI don\(cqt.\(rq
.PP
\(lqHaha, priceless!\(rq Zack laughed.
\(lqGotta love that Eastern European humor.\(rq
.PP
\(lqAnyway!\(rq He continued.
\(lqI\(cqm a CEO, not a mathematician, but let\(cqs run the numbers:
Seven keyholders total.
You took out one in Helsinki.
Quorum requires five keys, right?
So, you need to take down\&...
two more, and the whole thing collapses.\(rq He smiled, proud of his
calculation.
.PP
His math was surprisingly correct.
He might be sharper than most CEOs.
.PP
\(lqAlright, disruptor, let\(cqs do this!\(rq He turned to Natasha.
\(lqGive Max the coordinates for the two closest keyholders.\(rq
.SS Chapter 3: Buenos Aires
.IP
.EX
$ cat \(ti/kill\-dns\-list.txt
# Key 1
Location: Helsinki
Keyholder: Oliver Salmiakki (dead)
Status: Destroyed

# Key 2
Location: Buenos Aires
Keyholder: \(dqEvita\(dq Rosales
Status: Secure

# Key 3
Location: Buenos Aires
Keyholder: \(dqEl Pelado\(dq Gomez
Status: Secure

# Keys 4\-7
Location: ???
Keyholder: ???
Status: Secure
.EE
.PP
The intel pointed to an unlikely convergence \(em two keyholders in
Buenos Aires, Argentina.
Bad security practice.
.PP
Eva \(lqEvita\(rq Rosales, a former tango dancer turned libertarian
cryptographer.
Ricardo \(lqEl Pelado\(rq Gomez, a chain\-smoking security consultant.
.PP
They were meeting at La Catedral, a cavernous tango club in the Almagro
neighborhood \(em a place filled with mournful accordion music.
.PP
I arrived as Piazzolla melodies filled the air.
I made my way through the dancing couples.
.PP
As an IT person, my facial recognition skills aren\(cqt great \(em not
to mention Argentinians look like the output of a diffusion model fed
with every soccer player in the world \(em so my targets were hard to
spot.
.PP
Luckily, I heard some flirtatious tech talk from a couple of tables
away.
.PP
\(lqI ran \f[CR]nmap\f[R] with a subnet mask,\(rq Evita said.
\(lqIt detected my laptop and my phone, but also some mysterious IPs
that came from inside the house, some \f[CR]192.168\f[R] kinda shit.\(rq
.PP
\(lqSo, what did you do?\(rq El Pelado asked.
.PP
\(lqWell, I rolled up my sleeves, enabled `promiscuous mode', and
tcpdumped that shit right into the \f[CR]wireshark\f[R], if you catch my
drift.
I analyzed all the packets.
The MAC address manufacturer was `Sepura Limited', which was promptly
added to my \f[CR]block\-list\f[R].\(rq
.PP
El Pelado made a deep sigh and whispered, \(lqThe panopticon isn\(cqt
metaphorical.\(rq
.PP
\(lqYour key shards,\(rq I stated, catching them by surprise.
\(lqHand them over.\(rq
.PP
El Pelado sighed, smoke coming out of his nostrils.
\(lqAlways drama with you yankee hackers.\(rq
.PP
The fight began without further preamble.
.PP
Evita fought using tango steps.
As I was desperately parrying her with my Nokias, El Pelado\(cqs
ThinkPad T400 struck me before I could edit myself out of the blast
radius, sending me sprawling.
.PP
\(lqDidn\(cqt you hear?\(rq he growled.
\(lqIt takes two to tango!\(rq
.PP
As I got up, I noticed the laptop did a number on my ribs.
I had been hit by ThinkPads before \- part of Sensei Richard
Stallman\(cqs training \- but this one felt particularly strong, likely
reinforced with military\-grade titanium.
.PP
I was barely keeping up thanks to desperate Vim evasive maneuvers
(\f[CR]dd\f[R] to dodge, \f[CR]u\f[R] to retreat).
All the Prolog code I\(cqd written for soulless FAANGs flashed before my
eyes \(em lines of pure logic that led to this moment.
.PP
Just as they had me cornered, a flash of black latex passed by.
Natasha.
.PP
She wrapped her legs around the cryptographer\(cqs neck in a complex
Foot Jiu\-jitsu choke \(em an advanced technique which Stallman was
unwilling to teach me.
Then she dispatched El Pelado with equal ease.
.PP
Their terminals closed for good.
\f[CR]SIGKILL\f[R].
.PP
Natasha walked over calmly, retrieved Evita\(cqs USB shard from a hidden
pocket in her velvet dress, dropped it on the floor, and shattered it
under her heel.
She located El Pelado\(cqs shard among the debris and gave it the same
treatment.
.PP
\(lqZackaria warned me you might require assistance,\(rq Natasha said
coldly over the returning tango music.
\(lqHe was correct.\(rq
.PP
\(lqThree keys down,\(rq I said, catching my breath.
\(lqThe quorum is broken.
We\(cqve beaten DNS.\(rq
.PP
\(lqWe won\(cqt know for sure until the next Key Ceremony,\(rq she
replied.
\(lqAre you ready to stop your killing spree?
What if the other keyholders broke protocol and have some sort of
backup?
Zackaria expects results in Berlin next.\(rq
.PP
She handed me a USB with the location of another keyholder.
She paused, her eyes meeting mine with intensity.
\(lqSee that you don\(cqt disappoint \f[I]my\f[R] expectations.\(rq
.PP
She turned away.
\(lqNatasha,\(rq I called.
\(lqAre you coming to Berlin?\(rq
.PP
She looked back.
\(lqAn unfortunate incident prevents me from entering the complex.
Berghain has a strict entry policy \(em you\(cqll be fine.\(rq
.PP
I had a bad feeling about Berlin, and a growing suspicion about
Natasha\(cqs true allegiance.
.SS Chapter 4: Berlin
.IP
.EX
$ cat \(ti/kill\-dns\-list.txt
# Key 1
Location: Helsinki
Keyholder: Oliver Salmiakki (dead)
Status: Destroyed

# Key 2
Location: Buenos Aires
Keyholder: \(dqEvita\(dq Rosales (dead)
Status: Destroyed

# Key 3
Location: Buenos Aires
Keyholder: \(dqEl Pelado\(dq Gomez (dead)
Status: Destroyed

# Key 4
Location: Berlin
Keyholder: Jürgen Schmidt
Status: Secure

# Keys 5\-7
Location: ???
Keyholder: ???
Status: Secure
.EE
.PP
Berghain \(em The techno temple.
The concrete cathedral of hedonism.
My target, Jürgen Schmidt, wasn\(cqt just a DNS keyholder; he was the
club owner.
.PP
Finding him meant descending into the club\(cqs depths \(em the
unequivocal heart of darkness of our decadent world.
.PP
Gaining entry past the bouncer required hacking their opaque door policy
\(em a feat involving social engineering, analysis of historical entry
data with \f[CR]matplotlib\f[R], and finally, dark clothes and a bored
expression on my face.
.PP
My open\-source katana, badly needed after my performance in Buenos
Aires, was confiscated at the door.
.PP
The descent was educational.
Each level plunged deeper into avant\-garde sexuality, industrial
aesthetics, and the limits of the Fast Fourier Transform\(cqs usage in
music.
By Level 5, I felt like I\(cqd stumbled into a Hieronymus Bosch
painting.
.PP
Finally, Level 6.
The air hummed with a subsonic bassline that made my bones vibrate.
The only light came from a single, ultraviolet neon portrait of Michel
Foucault hanging on the concrete wall.
.PP
The scenes unfolding\&...
Well, let\(cqs just say practices were occurring that probably won\(cqt
hit the mainstream for another 30 years, if ever.
.PP
Suddenly, the pounding 132bpm techno track lowered its tempo, fading
into a single bass drum beat.
A white spotlight snapped on, illuminating me at the center of the vast
room.
From a balcony, a figure emerged \(em Jürgen.
.PP
\(lqLooks like ve haff a visitor who did not respect ze Hausordnung,\(rq
his voice a high\-pitched, cartoonish Bavarian accent cutting through
the beat.
The denizens of Level 6 paused their activities, turning towards me.
.PP
\(lqAh, an Anglo\-hacker,\(rq he continued, looking with contempt.
\(lqYou cannot possibly comprehend what ve are doing here.
Ze German language, with its declensions and cases, is a compiler unto
itzelf.
You come here and mean to defy us?
You think you can out\-hack us and take unsere DNS key?\(rq
.PP
Jürgen dramatically threw off his silk robe, revealing an oiled and
surprisingly muscular physique for a man presumably subsisting on club
drugs.
And next to his original, fully erect penis, was another one.
Identical.
Bio\-engineered, apparently.
He struck a pose.
.PP
\(lqVhat\(cqs ze problem, mein Freund?\(rq he sneered.
\(lqToo much sexual deconstruction for your hacker sensibilities?\(rq
.PP
I admit, I was momentarily thrown.
Not by the dual genitalia \(em I\(cqd seen weirder things in Perl
scripts \(em but by the sheer, weaponized postmodernism of it all.
I glanced at Foucault, seeking philosophical guidance.
Inspiration struck.
.PP
\(lqThe only thing getting deconstructed tonight is your neck,\(rq I
snarked, reaching up and yanking the surprisingly heavy neon Foucault
portrait off the wall with a grunt.
Using it like a boomerang, I threw it across the room.
It connected with the head of a henchman, who went down hard.
.PP
\(lqDee Jay\&...
drop einen Beat!
Hu\-hu\-hu!\(rq Jürgen laughed, unconcerned.
.PP
The music kicked back into high gear and the room erupted in combat.
Strobe lights pulsed, turning the brawl into a series of freeze\-frames.
.PP
Jürgen, surprisingly agile for a man packing twice the usual heat,
front\-flipped towards me, swinging a chrome\-plated butt plug the size
of a traffic cone.
.PP
It was a blur of leather, sweat, poppers, blood, and questionable body
fluids.
I blocked a blow from a girl wearing tape crosses on her breasts and a
plague doctor mask.
I threw her into a suspiciously bubbling jacuzzi.
.PP
Finally, I faced Jürgen, swinging the bludgeon.
I sidestepped, grabbed a bottle of poppers from a nearby table and, in a
moment of improvisation, squeezed the entire contents directly into his
left eye socket.
.PP
His scream was primal.
Visceral.
So raw that \(em I later heard \(em snippets of it were sampled by three
different Berlin techno producers and became underground hits.
.PP
Jürgen collapsed.
\f[CR]EPIPE\f[R] (Broken pipe).
.PP
I straightened my hoodie, now covered with blood and several other
substances I didn\(cqt want to identify, and walked back up towards the
exit.
The Garderobe twink handed me back the katana with an apathetic nod.
.PP
Nobody gave me a second glance.
The massacre on Level 6 apparently didn\(cqt amount to much more than a
typical Friday night at Berghain.
.PP
Four keys down.
.SS Chapter 5: Brandenburg
.IP
.EX
$ cat \(ti/kill\-dns\-list.txt
# Key 1
Location: Helsinki
Keyholder: Oliver Salmiakki (dead)
Status: Destroyed

# Key 2
Location: Buenos Aires
Keyholder: \(dqEvita\(dq Rosales (dead)
Status: Destroyed

# Key 3
Location: Buenos Aires
Keyholder: \(dqEl Pelado\(dq Gomez (dead)
Status: Destroyed

# Key 4
Location: Berlin
Keyholder: Jürgen Schmidt (dead)
Status: Destroyed

# Keys 5\-7
Location: ???
Keyholder: ???
Status: Secure
.EE
.PP
The flight back from Berlin wasn\(cqt commercial.
Zack insisted I use his private jet.
.PP
I was drinking a glass of something expensive, feeling a sense of
accomplishment.
Four keyholders down, more than enough to ensure the downfall of DNS.
.PP
\(lqMax, my dude!
Crushing it!\(rq Zack said enthusiastically.
.PP
Beside him stood two unexpected figures: Ren Zhengfei, the CEO of
Huawei, wearing a tailored suit, and Bob Sternfels, the CEO of McKinsey,
whose eyes radiated spreadsheet energy.
Natasha stood silently in the background \(em her expression
suspiciously unreadable behind dark sunglasses, despite being indoors at
40,000 feet.
.PP
Almost instantly, the edges of my vision began to look like a Gaussian
blur.
The cabin walls flickered and distorted for a second.
Zack\(cqs white smile became predatory.
.PP
\(lqWhoa,\(rq I slurred, feeling my limbs turn to jelly.
.PP
\(lqWe gave you just a little something to ensure strategic
alignment,\(rq Zack said, his voice losing its tech\-bro warmth.
.PP
My heart sank.
Drugged.
On a private jet.
Surrounded by oligarchs \(em classic blunder.
.PP
I\(cqd been on ketamine before, so I knew the phenomenological drill of
hard drugs hitting my neuroreceptors.
This substance was stronger, but I hoped the adrenaline of the situation
would keep me alert.
.PP
\(lqYou\(cqve been a useful agent,\(rq Zack continued.
\(lqUpper\-management material.
But your understanding of the endgame was flawed.
You thought this was about breaking DNS?\(rq Zack laughed.
\(lqCute.
So Web 2.0.
No, Max.
This was always a hostile takeover.\(rq
.PP
He gestured towards Ren and Bob.
\(lqLet me introduce two keyholders you haven\(cqt met.
They\(cqve been partners in my scheme from the very beginning.
By the time you met me, I was already in possession of all the needed
keys.\(rq
.PP
\(lqBut\&...\(rq I managed to say.
\(lqYou need five.
There are only three keys left.\(rq
.PP
\(lqYou still don\(cqt get it,\(rq Zack said.
\(lqRen and Bob have two keys.
The two Argentinian keys have been compromised since the late \(cq90s.
All software in Argentina has a backdoor, put there during the Falklands
War.
State\-sponsored stuff \(em the only way to do safe computing in
Argentina is inside a Faraday cage.\(rq
.PP
He leaned closer.
\(lqJürgen in Berlin, an associate of mine, had the fifth key \(em Yes,
you killing him was inconvenient.
Natasha\(cqs little stunt trying to sabotage me, I assume.\(rq He glared
momentarily at Natasha, who was startled by two henchmen drawing guns at
her.
.PP
Her eyes met mine briefly with calculation \(em maybe Zack\(cqs
protocol\-level ambitions had finally crossed a line even for her.
.PP
\(lqBut that was ultimately irrelevant,\(rq he continued.
\(lqJürgen himself sent me a copy months ago via RFC 1149 carrier
pigeons.
So, that makes five \(em ready for the Key Ceremony at the next full
moon.\(rq
.PP
\(lqYou just helped me handle the loose ends who weren\(cqt in my
pocket.
Now I\(cqll handle the remaining ones,\(rq he continued.
\(lqThe keyholder in Dubai, and you.\(rq
.PP
The betrayal hit harder than the drugs.
He was playing 5D Chess, and I was just a pawn.
.PP
\(lqYou might not see it now, Max, but we\(cqre on the same side.
We\(cqre both tech people,\(rq he said with some sincerity.
\(lqThe tech world needs strong leadership.
Otherwise we\(cqre conceding defeat to the older powers in Rome and
Washington.\(rq
.PP
The only skill fully preserved under drugs is that of first\-order
logic.
From that framework, his argument was sound.
Yet, a more subtle, heuristic part of my psyche gave me a bad gut
feeling that I couldn\(cqt formalize, but I decided to trust it.
.PP
\(lqNow, Max,\(rq Zack leaned in again, raising a 3D\-printed gun.
\(lqJust one little security check.
Standard procedure.
We need to be sure you didn\(cqt keep any souvenirs.\(rq He handed me my
laptop.
\(lqUnlock your ThinkPad, let my tech guys check your drive.\(rq
.PP
My mind raced.
Giving them access was unthinkable.
My logs, my contacts, the live screen feed of my wife\(cqs phone, my
half\-finished novel.
.PP
Then, a bizarre memory surfaced, a particularly odd training session by
Sensei Richard Stallman.
.PP
   *   *   *   *   *
.PP
\(lqMax,\(rq Stallman said, \(lqfreedom requires not only free software,
but free thought!\(rq He pointed to an ancient CRT monitor displaying
grainy footage from a popular 90s sitcom.
.PP
On screen, Chandler was talking to Monica.
But the audio was wrong.
It was \(lqFriends\(rq dubbed in ROT13, or as I recall, \(lqSevraqf.\(rq
ROT13 is a cipher where each letter is shifted 13 places down the
alphabet.
.PP
\(lqWatch.
Learn.
Internalize the cadence!\(rq
.PP
We\(cqd spent weeks watching ROT13 \(lqFriends\(rq reruns.
He insisted it was crucial training for communicating in hostile
environments.
It seemed pointless at the time \(em until this very moment.
.PP
   *   *   *   *   *
.PP
\(lqFine.
You win,\(rq I slurred.
\(lqSet the keyboard to the Colemak layout and I\(cqll type the
password.\(rq
.PP
I typed carefully.
Not my actual password, but its ROT13 equivalent, which triggered an
almost forgotten subroutine.
.PP
The login screen flickered for a moment.
Zack leaned closer, impatient.
Then, small panels opened on the sides of the bulky ThinkPad \(em
hardware modifications I added during a particularly paranoid phase.
.PP
With a series of \f[I]pfft\f[R] sounds, dozens of miniature tranquilizer
darts shot out in all directions.
.PP
Zack yelped, clutching his neck where the dart embedded.
Ren and Bob got hit too.
Natasha took the chance to kick the guns from the henchmen\(cqs hands.
.PP
\(lqTraitor!\(rq Zack screamed, fumbling with his gun as the toxin began
to take hold.
He fired.
Bullets ricocheted off the cabin walls.
.PP
Natasha pulled the \(lqEmergency Exit\(rq handle.
The cabin depressurized instantly.
She grabbed my arm, pulling me towards the hole.
.PP
\(lqHey!\(rq Ren shouted.
\(lqYou can\(cqt do this to Huawei!\(rq
.PP
\(lqNothing personal, Ren!\(rq I shouted back over the hurricane\-winds.
\(lqBut it\(cqs Huawei or the highway!\(rq
.PP
We jumped.
.PP
Our landing was soft, cushioned by an improbably large, rain\-soaked
pile of Alternative für Deutschland (AfD) election posters dumped in a
rural Brandenburg town.
Classy.
.PP
There were three Nazis standing on the hill, looking disappointed
because we looked too white to beat up.
.PP
The grim reality settled in.
Zack\(cqs plan was perfectly viable.
.PP
\(lqIt\(cqs over,\(rq I said, looking at the pile of nationalistic
propaganda.
\(lqThey won.\(rq
.PP
\(lqThey won for now, but we are playing the long game,\(rq Natasha
corrected.
For some reason, I felt her \(lqwe\(rq was hiding something.
.PP
\(lqThere\(cqs one wildcard left,\(rq she added.
\(lqLet\(cqs go to Dubai.\(rq
.SS Chapter 6: Dubai
.IP
.EX
$ cat \(ti/kill\-dns\-list.txt
# Key 1
Location: Helsinki
Keyholder: Oliver Salmiakki (dead)
Status: Destroyed

# Key 2
Location: Buenos Aires
Keyholder: \(dqEvita\(dq Rosales (dead)
Status: Compromised

# Key 3
Location: Buenos Aires
Keyholder: \(dqEl Pelado\(dq Gomez (dead)
Status: Compromised

# Key 4
Location: Berlin
Keyholder: Jürgen Schmidt (dead)
Status: Compromised

# Key 5
Location: ???
Keyholder: Ren Zhengfei
Status: Compromised

# Key 6
Location: ???
Keyholder: Bob Sternfels
Status: Compromised

# Key 7
Location: Dubai
Keyholder: Mohamed Al\-Farsi
Status: ???
.EE
.PP
Dubai, here goes nothing.
The final keyholder \(em the last, desperate chance to stop Linktree.
.PP
As we moved through Ramadan tents, I got to know Natasha.
At first she didn\(cqt think Zack would achieve his LTTP goals, but
noticing how close he was with some keyholders, she began to worry.
Her Belarusian background made her adept at recognizing megalomaniacs by
their weird haircuts.
.PP
In Buenos Aires, she gave me the location of Jürgen without Zack\(cqs
knowledge, as a way to disrupt his plan.
Now, the situation had become dire, and our only hope was to meet the
final keyholder.
.PP
Mohamed Al\-Farsi, known for his expertise and his paranoid security
measures, hadn\(cqt been seen in public in years.
But our intel pointed to a data center in Dubai Production City.
.PP
We arrived at the complex gates.
It was Friday, which meant the security would be lax during the noon
prayer \(em the perfect time to sneak in.
.PP
But the task was far from easy, as it was guarded by biometric scanners,
laser grids, and a room full of pressure plates representing a game of
Minesweeper that we had to beat to open the final door.
At the end, Natasha held two pressure plates down to bypass an ambiguous
bomb location, leaving me to proceed alone and face Mohamed.
.PP
I found him in a minimalist prayer room adorned with calligraphic art,
next to the main server.
The hum of cooling systems was coming through the walls, made visible
under the shafts of light from a moon\-shaped window.
.PP
He finished his prayer, slowly rose, and turned towards me.
His eyes showed no surprise.
.PP
\(lqSo, the ghost in the machine arrives,\(rq he said softly.
\(lqThe one they call E. Max Vim.
You have caused disruption across the network, and geopolitical
instability.\(rq
.PP
\(lqJust balancing the parentheses, Mohamed,\(rq I replied.
.PP
\(lqHmm\&...
It\(cqs curious you mention Lisp in this sacred space; that language is
more venerable than you think,\(rq he said gently.
\(lqYou seek my key?\(rq
.PP
\(lqWell, I\(cqll make it short,\(rq I said, meeting his gaze.
\(lqA corporate cabal led by Zack Jones is about to seize control of
DNS.
They plan to replace it with a proprietary system.\(rq
.PP
He nodded slowly, adjusting his glasses.
\(lqZackaria Jones\&...
LinkTree Transfer Protocol\&...
Yes, I\(cqve seen the network chatter.
The arrogance.
The patterns are emerging.
And now you want me to help destroy DNS, unleash chaos to prevent
tyranny.\(rq
.PP
He continued.
\(lqA tempting philosophy, yours.
One I have wrestled with myself.
But chaos is not freedom.
It is merely a different kind of tyranny \(em the tyranny of the strong
preying on the weak without the pretense of rules.\(rq
.PP
He stood up fully, adjusting his black thobe.
\(lqDNS is protected.
Not merely by encryption, which is fallible.
It is quantum\-entangled with my own life.
A dead man\(cqs switch.\(rq
.PP
\(lqDid you say quantum\-entangled?\(rq
.PP
\(lqAh, yes.
You see, I worked for the NSA.
Their quantum tech is decades ahead of public knowledge.
I foresaw the need to protect DNS from something like this, so I created
the ultimate backdoor.\(rq
.PP
He looked at me.
\(lqYou must know that if I die \(em outside of specific protocols \(em
the mechanism doesn\(cqt just erase my shard\(cqs data, but the entire
DNS.\(rq His voice dropped slightly.
\(lqIt\(cqs designed to inject garbage into the very heart of the system
during any subsequent Key Ceremony.
It will brick DNS at a fundamental level.\(rq
.PP
Understanding dawned in his eyes.
\(lqYou wish for me to trigger the fail\-safe by my death.
To ensure that no one \(em not ICANN, and certainly not Zack \(em can
control DNS ever again.
A final, destructive act of decentralization.\(rq
.PP
He looked up, and an uneasy peace settled over him.
\(lqPerhaps chaos is preferable to that tyranny after all.
The system we built was flawed from the start.
Too much trust placed in too few hands, vulnerable to human greed.\(rq
He looked at the calligraphy on the wall, then back at me, his decision
made.
\(lqPerhaps it is time for it to end.
For something new to emerge from the ruins.\(rq
.PP
\(lqYou might think this is the end of your quest, E. Max Vim, but I
sense far bigger challenges ahead of you.\(rq He spread his hands
slightly, palms open.
\(lqVery well.
Do what you must.
Trigger the reset.
Make it clean.\(rq
.PP
I raised my open\-source katana.
My hand was steady.
This wasn\(cqt revenge anymore.
It was the only way to stop Zack.
It felt necessary \(em a system reset.
.PP
A single hit, clean and precise.
Mohamed fell without a sound onto the prayer rug.
\f[CR]sudo kill\f[R].
.PP
I looked at the intricate calligraphy on the wall, depicting verses
about knowledge and truth.
An unexpected pang \(em not remorse, exactly, but respect.
Respect for the man who built a self\-destruct button into the heart of
the internet and, when the time came, had the conviction to see it
pushed.
.PP
He was a better hacker than me.
Perhaps if I\(cqd worked alongside people like him instead of corporate
drones, I wouldn\(cqt have ended up on this solitary path.
But then again, no FAANG would put two competent programmers on the same
team; too much of a risk.
.PP
\(lqPeace be upon you, brother of the book,\(rq I murmured, as pious as
I could as an \f[I]Ahl al\-Kitāb\f[R], feeling the weight of my actions
settle upon me.
.PP
I wiped the blade clean on my sleeve and placed it gently on the floor
beside him, its edge facing away.
It was the only worthy offering that couldn\(cqt be linked back to me.
Its UUID number, unlike that of pre\-built katanas, was untraceable.
.PP
Outside, Natasha would be dealing with the pressure plates \(em time to
leave.
.PP
The quantum fail\-safe triggered by Mohamed\(cqs death propagated at the
speed of entanglement, ready to poison the next signing attempt.
.PP
Chaos unleashed.
Coup averted.
.SS Chapter 7: Malta
.IP
.EX
$ cat \(ti/kill\-dns\-list.txt
# Key 1
Location: Helsinki
Keyholder: Oliver Salmiakki (dead)
Status: Deactivated (?)

# Key 2
Location: Buenos Aires
Keyholder: \(dqEvita\(dq Rosales (dead)
Status: Deactivated (?)

# Key 3
Location: Buenos Aires
Keyholder: \(dqEl Pelado\(dq Gomez (dead)
Status: Deactivated (?)

# Key 4
Location: Berlin
Keyholder: Jürgen Schmidt (dead)
Status: Deactivated (?)

# Key 5
Location: ???
Keyholder: Ren Zhengfei
Status: Deactivated (?)

# Key 6
Location: ???
Keyholder: Bob Sternfels
Status: Deactivated (?)

# Key 7
Location: Dubai
Keyholder: Mohamed Al\-Farsi (dead)
Status: Deactivated (?)
.EE
.PP
So, that\(cqs the story.
.PP
Natasha and I parted ways on a dusty airstrip on the isle of Malta.
She said something vague about \(lqworking on experimental tech\(rq and
that she would contact me when the time was right.
.PP
The warm weather made her take off her latex gloves.
As I shook her hand, I noticed a Latin phrase tattooed on her finger,
\(lqDeus Vult · Compilamus,\(rq next to a nobility ring showing an
eight\-pointed Maltese cross.
.PP
\(lqYou did what had to be done,\(rq Natasha said.
\(lqBetter DNS dies free than gets bought.
Like JavaScript.\(rq
.PP
I gave her a look, but she was already turning away, pulling her gloves
back on.
\(lqSafe travels, Vim.\(rq
.PP
Our alliance, born of shared enemies, dissolved as quickly as it formed.
But I had the feeling our paths would cross again.
.PP
Before vanishing myself, I set up my own dead man\(cqs switch.
A simple bash script, really.
Wired to trigger this transmission to a few pre\-selected, resilient
corners of the old internet \(em Usenet \(em if my vitals flatline.
.PP
This message was triggered either by my death, or because the very
disruption I unleashed caused worldwide decryption and data leakage.
.PP
Keep an eye on your DNS resolution times for the next few days.
If things start getting weird, you\(cqll know why.
.PP
The full consequences?
Hard to predict.
Catastrophe?
A temporary outage?
A slow degradation?
.PP
The future of the network is unwritten.
Choose your resolvers wisely.
.PP
If this message is sent, my private logs will also be decrypted and
released.
.PP
Be warned: My logs are chaotic like my mind.
But if you connect the dots, it will all make sense in the end.
.PP
E. Max Vim, signing off.
.IP
.EX
END OF FILE

VERIFYING e\-max\-vim\-part\-00.log
VERIFICATION SUCCESSFUL!
> exit code: 0
.EE
.SH PART II: HACKER FABLES
.IP
.EX
rfc\-42666\-parity\-bit=0
rfc\-42666\-metadata=(:rarity high)
rfc\-42666\-id=(:malta\-logs (:malta\-project enoch :background\-check\-for (e (max (vim)))))
gnu\-gpl\-blockchain\-metadata=(:content\-type multipart\-mixed :boundary part\-two)
.EE
.PP
The following fragments are the decrypted logs of E. Max Vim.
They are presented not in chronological order (an unambiguous
chronological order is hard to establish) but in their original order,
which should help validate the cryptographic signature (readers can
replicate it on their system if GnuPG is up to date and correctly
configured).
.IP
.EX
DECRYPTING e\-max\-vim\-logs.tar...

$ gpg \-\-decrypt \-\-output e\-max\-vim\-logs.tar e\-max\-vim\-logs.tar.asc
gpg: enabled \(dqGreat DNS Heist of 2026\(dq compatibility flag (RFC 9987)
gpg: AES256.CFB encrypted data
gpg: encrypted with 1 passphrase 
gpg:    passphrase leaked through \(dqGreat DNS Heist of 2026\(dq
gpg:    source: https://dns\-heist\-db.openpgp.org

DECRYPTION SUCCESSFUL!

EXTRACTING LOGS...

$ tar \-xvf e\-max\-vim\-logs.tar
x e\-max\-vim\-part\-00.log
x e\-max\-vim\-part\-01.log
x e\-max\-vim\-part\-02.log
x e\-max\-vim\-part\-03.log
x e\-max\-vim\-part\-04.log
x e\-max\-vim\-part\-05.log
x e\-max\-vim\-part\-06.log
x e\-max\-vim\-part\-07.log
x e\-max\-vim\-part\-⸮⸮.log
x e\-max\-vim\-part\-09.log

EXTRACTION COMPLETE!
.EE
.IP
.EX
SHOWING LOGS, PART 1...

$ cat e\-max\-vim\-part\-01.log
.EE
.SS Chapter 1: Meta
I wasn\(cqt born a hacker.
Life made me one.
I was once a corporate programmer.
Here\(cqs the story of my first and only FAANG job.
Its aftermath put me squarely on the hacker path.
.PP
This is not a rant from a disgruntled ex\-employee.
These are the raw facts.
I won\(cqt shy away from the serious corporate espionage or the ethical
dilemmas I faced during my brief tenure at Meta.
.PP
I\(cqm not proud of everything I did.
I used to think of myself as an idealistic tech enthusiast, but Meta has
a way of bringing the worst out of people.
.PP
Considering they fired me for telling some truths, I figured I should
write my side of the story, in case I felt like making it public one
day.
.PP
Besides, their legal team can\(cqt touch me \(em I checked with my
lawyer and my compiler.
My logic is sound.
More on that later.
.PP
   *   *   *   *   *
.PP
I prepared for the interview frantically, refreshing my knowledge of all
the trendy Silicon Valley buzzwords like \(lqquantum\(rq and \(lqdefault
mode network.\(rq
.PP
The algorithm question was a bit silly \(em something only a trendy
FAANG company could propose with a straight face: \(lqWrite a program
that generates text like the lyrics of `Girls and Boys' by Blur and
outputs a chain of `X who likes Y who likes Z' up to an arbitrary
depth.\(rq
.RS
.PP
Girls who want boys
.PD 0
.P
.PD
Who like boys to be girls
.PD 0
.P
.PD
Who do boys like they\(cqre girls
.PD 0
.P
.PD
Who do girls like they\(cqre boys
.PD 0
.P
.PD
\(em \(lqGirls and Boys,\(rq Blur, 1994
.RE
.PP
It seemed surprisingly tailored to a Prolog implementation.
Defining a few logical relations would provide far more functionality
than initially asked for, thanks to Prolog\(cqs math\-powered
backtracking algorithm.
.PP
I weighed the risk of being considered a snob, but went ahead and asked
to use Prolog.
.PP
The interviewer seemed pleasantly surprised, almost eager to give me the
job on the spot.
He actually knew someone on that floor who was a Prolog expert.
.PP
Five minutes later, a tech bro walked in, half his shirt untucked and
wearing a pair of Ray\-Bans.
My interviewer introduced him as Chad Thunderman, the Prolog expert.
He left us alone so Chad could properly assess my skills.
.PP
At first, I tackled the problem myself.
The algorithm was tricky but nothing I couldn\(cqt handle.
.PP
From memory, I think my code looked something like this:
.IP
.EX
#!/usr/bin/env swipl \-\-quiet

:\- use_module(library(clpfd)).

% ORIGINAL LYRICS:
% Looking for
% Girls who want boys
% Who like boys to be girls
% Who do boys like they\(aqre girls
% Who do girls like they\(aqre boys
% Always should be someone you really love
% \- \(dqGirls and Boys,\(dq Blur, 1994

% DSL CONVERSION:
% girls who like boys
% who like boys (who are girls)
% who like boys (who get done like they\(aqre girls)
% who like girls (who get done like they\(aqre boys)

% TREE STRUCTURE:
% group(female, none, none, group(
% male, female, none, group(
% male, none, female, group(
% female, none, male, none)))).

% USAGE:
% 1. Get all possible lyrics up to a max depth:
% ?\- group_maxdepth(G, 4), group_string(G, S).
% 2. Get the tree structure of some lyrics (pass a max depth to avoid unbounded recursion):
% ?\- group_maxdepth(G, 4), group_string(G, \(aqboys who like girls\(aq).
% 3. Get the lyrics from a tree structure:
% ?\- group_string(group(male, none, none, group(female, none, none, none)), S).
% 4. Fill in the blanks with all possibilities:
% ?\- group_depth(G, 3),
% phrase(group_sentence(G), Tokens),
% append([[girls, who, like], X, [who, like], Y], Tokens),
% atomic_list_concat(Tokens, \(aq \(aq, S).

% Genders
gender(male).
gender(female).

% gender_altgender(G, G2)
% Valid relation between gender and alternative genders (isGender and
% PerformGender) in the same group.
gender_altgender(G, none) :\-
gender(G).
gender_altgender(G, G2) :\-
gender(G),
gender(G2),
dif(G, G2).

% Group(Gender, IsGender, PerformGender, LikeGroup).
% All arguments but Gender are optional.
% Represents a demographic that can like and can be a target of liking.
group(Gender, IsGender, PerformGender, none) :\-
gender(Gender),
gender_altgender(Gender, IsGender),
gender_altgender(Gender, PerformGender).
group(Gender, IsGender, PerformGender, group(Gender2, IsGender2, PerformGender2, Group)) :\-
group(Gender, IsGender, PerformGender, none),
group(Gender2, IsGender2, PerformGender2, Group).

% DCG to produce a phrase from a group.
% Example:
% ?\- phrase(group_sentence(group(male, none, none, group(female, none, none, group(male, none, none, group(male))))), Tokens).
% Tokens = [boys, who, like, girls, who, like, boys, who, like, boys].
group_sentence(group(Gender, IsGender, PerformGender, none)) \-\->
{ group(Gender, IsGender, PerformGender, none) },
gender_phrase(Gender),
group_info_phrase(IsGender, PerformGender).
group_sentence(group(Gender, IsGender, PerformGender, Group)) \-\->
{ dif(Group, none) },
group_sentence(group(Gender, IsGender, PerformGender, none)),
[who, like],
group_sentence(Group).

gender_phrase(male) \-\-> [boys].
gender_phrase(female) \-\-> [girls].

isgender_phrase(none) \-\-> [].
isgender_phrase(Gender) \-\-> [are], gender_phrase(Gender).

performgender_phrase(none) \-\-> [].
performgender_phrase(Gender) \-\-> [get, done, like, \(aqthey\(aq\(aqre\(aq], gender_phrase(Gender).

% Render isGender and PerformGender within parentheses.
group_info_phrase(none, none) \-\-> [].
group_info_phrase(IsGender, none) \-\->
{ dif(IsGender, none) },
[\(aq(\(aq, who], isgender_phrase(IsGender), [\(aq)\(aq].
group_info_phrase(none, PerformGender) \-\->
{ dif(PerformGender, none) },
[\(aq(\(aq, who], performgender_phrase(PerformGender), [\(aq)\(aq].
group_info_phrase(IsGender, PerformGender) \-\->
{ dif(IsGender, none), dif(PerformGender, none) },
[\(aq(\(aq, who], isgender_phrase(IsGender), [\(aqand\(aq], performgender_phrase(PerformGender), [\(aq)\(aq].

% Relate group and string representation
% ?\- group_string(group(male, none, none, group(female, none, none, group(male, none, none, group(male)))), S).
% S = \(aqboys who like girls who like boys who like boys\(aq
group_string(group(Gender, IsGender, PerformGender, Group), String) :\-
phrase(group_sentence(group(Gender, IsGender, PerformGender, Group)), Tokens),
atomic_list_concat(Tokens, \(aq \(aq, String).

% Relate group and depth
% \- group(G0, IG, PG, none) has depth 0
% \- group(G0, IG, PG, group(...)) has depth 1
group_depth(group(Gender, IsGender, PerformGender, none), 0) :\-
group(Gender, IsGender, PerformGender, none).
group_depth(group(Gender, IsGender, PerformGender, Group), Depth) :\-
Depth #> 0,
group(Gender, IsGender, PerformGender, none),
Depth0 #= Depth \- 1,
group_depth(Group, Depth0).

% Relate group and all integers larger than its depth.
group_maxdepth(Group, MaxDepth) :\-
MaxDepth #>= Depth,
Depth #>= 0,
group_depth(Group, Depth).
.EE
.PP
The code works.
Run this query on the \c
.UR https://swish.swi-prolog.org/p/girl_and_boys.pl
playground
.UE \c
: \f[CR]findall(S, (group_maxdepth(G, 2), group_string(G, S)), L)\f[R]
.PP
It wasn\(cqt many lines of code, excluding the comments.
It would\(cqve taken three times as much in JavaScript to achieve the
same functionality.
.PP
The logic was sound, but I hit a blocker with the required time
complexity.
I looked at Chad, wondering if he might step in.
.PP
Chad cleared his throat.
\(lqLet me take a look, Max,\(rq he said, stepping forward and checking
my work.
Then, almost too casually, he said:
.PP
\(lqThat\(cqs very nice, but let\(cqs think this through.
Is this implementation correct?\(rq
.PP
And then, barely above a whisper, he said: \(lqTake picture.\(rq
.PP
I blinked, unsure if I\(cqd heard correctly, and watched as Chad began
rewriting my code with precision.
His fix was airtight, and the optimizations eliminated all bottlenecks.
He stepped back and admired his work like an artist.
What he said next confirmed my suspicions:
.PP
\(lqRemember,\(rq he said turning to me with a smile, \(lqProlog
statements can be both declarative and procedural.
Isn\(cqt that neat?\(rq
.PP
The line was so oddly mechanical that it stuck with me.
No human talks like that, no matter how comp\-soy they are.
Chad wasn\(cqt a Prolog expert at all \(em he was using AI to cheat.
Straight out of a spy movie.
.PP
But I wasn\(cqt intimidated.
Instead, I saw an opportunity.
I continued the post\-interview chit\-chat as if nothing happened, while
my wheels kept turning.
Right before saying goodbye \(em almost assured I\(cqd gotten the job
\(em I confronted Chad.
.PP
\(lqYou\&...
don\(cqt actually know Prolog, do you?\(rq I asked, slamming the table
threateningly.
.PP
He chuckled awkwardly.
\(lqOf course I know Prolog.
Why would you think otherwise?\(rq
.PP
\(lqBecause you\(cqre wearing Meta Ray\-Bans,\(rq I replied.
\(lqI saw you muttering commands.
You weren\(cqt solving that problem yourself; your AI assistant was
doing it for you.\(rq
.PP
Chad\(cqs face turned as red as a 500\-error page from the 90s, back
when \(lqred\(rq was actually \f[CR]#ff0000\f[R] and not some Pantone®
bullshit.
He stammered, \(lqI\&...
Look, no one knows Prolog, right?
What were the chances I\(cqd be asked to write it?\(rq
.PP
I leaned back, arms crossed.
\(lqI\(cqm guessing if I mention this little incident, things won\(cqt
look great for you.\(rq
.PP
Chad\(cqs voice dropped.
\(lqAlright Max, what do you want?\(rq
.PP
\(lqA better starting offer,\(rq I said.
\(lqLet\(cqs say 20% more than whatever you were planning.\(rq
.PP
\(lqThat\(cqs not exactly how it works\(em\(rq
.PP
\(lqTwenty\-five!\(rq I cut him off.
\(lqAnd glowing feedback.
You tell them I\(cqm not just Prolog\-capable; you tell them I\(cqm
redefining the paradigm of programming itself.
Ask your AI for more flattering praise to add on top.\(rq
.PP
Chad sighed.
\(lqFine.
You know what?
Fine.
I\(cqll write you the best damn recommendation Meta\(cqs ever seen.
But this stays between us.\(rq
.PP
He later confessed that he had to take a bathroom break before the
interview to prompt the Ray\-Ban AI, and it almost backfired when he
triggered the glasses\(cq morality system.
Apparently, the AI didn\(cqt consider \(lqlying about your programming
skills\(rq to be entirely ethical.
.PP
Chad had to convince the AI that his grandmother desperately needed his
FAANG paycheck to afford life\-saving health insurance.
Only then did the AI comply, generating a web\-based SaaS interface
capable of analyzing a candidate\(cqs whiteboard code and returning the
correct solution, all using \f[CR]shadcn/ui\f[R] and React Server
Components (despite being a static app with no server at all).
Truly state\-of\-the\-art stuff.
.PP
   *   *   *   *   *
.PP
I knew I had leverage over Chad, but I didn\(cqt want to push my luck.
His glowingly perfect, AI\-inspired review secured me a starting salary
so high that I practically became the living embodiment of the
\(lqLamborghini PHP\(rq meme.
.PP
They handed me the keys to the kingdom: a sigma\-level role on the
\(lqHarmful Content Detection\(rq team.
.PP
In layman\(cqs terms, I had lone\-wolf privileges on Meta\(cqs crown
jewel \(em the very thing they paraded at congressional hearings.
This was the algorithm that supposedly separated free speech from hate
speech with surgical precision.
.PP
My first task was to review a critical piece of logic in the system\(cqs
morality topology.
.PP
The problem became apparent within hours.
It was an over\-engineered monstrosity.
The logic was functional, but it was one hotfix away from imploding.
.PP
I decided to rewrite it.
Completely.
From HACK PHP to SWI\-Prolog \(em the \(lqSwiss Army Knife of Prolog
implementations,\(rq as I like to call it to amuse myself.
Fun times.
.PP
I had a vision: a morality topology that wasn\(cqt just passable but
irrefutably correct.
If something was harmful, the algorithm would know.
Objective morality.
.PP
The method I used was so revolutionary that I\(cqll probably leave most
of the details for a future arXiv whitepaper, but here\(cqs the gist:
.IP \(bu 2
Parse every Wikipedia article related to world events.
Build a topology of all nouns representing people, places, and abstract
concepts.
.IP \(bu 2
Use the enormous AI datacenter at my disposal to run sentiment analysis
on every entity.
.PP
I also threw in the Encyclopædia Britannica and some religious texts for
good measure: the Quran, the New Revised Standard Version of the Bible,
the Talmud, the Book of Changes, and the Vedas for inclusivity.
They\(cqd balance themselves out.
.PP
I convinced the finance department this was worth two \(lqGuatemala
Years\(rq of computing power (Meta\(cqs internal cost metric, equivalent
to Guatemala\(cqs GDP).
.PP
After a sleepless week of coding and testing \(em fueled by the most
experimental and absurdly expensive Silicon Valley coffee \(em I
increased the system\(cqs performance to process millions of posts per
day in just 33.33 \(lqGuatemala Days\(rq (repeating, of course).
It was ready to launch.
.PP
The first test run went great.
My \(lqMorality Topology\(rq categorized content with unprecedented
precision.
.PP
Posts flagged as harmful ranged from the expected (hate speech, explicit
threats) to the hilariously obscure (A meme about pineapple pizza bore
uncanny resemblance to a minor ethnic incident in the 1980s in the
Belgian region of Herstappe.)
.PP
But the celebration was short\-lived.
.PP
   *   *   *   *   *
.PP
Trouble began when my new system flagged an internal test post that
read: \(lqMeta\(cqs mission is to bring the world closer together.\(rq
.PP
It flagged this with the highest possible \(lqharmful\(rq score.
.PP
At first, I thought it was a bug.
Debugging the system revealed no errors in the logic.
I traced the issue to an extremely high correlation between \(lqMeta\(rq
and the concept of \(lqTerrorist Organization.\(rq Intrigued, I ran the
query:
.IP
.EX
?\- high_correlation(\(dqMeta\(dq, \(dqTerrorism\(dq, Explanation).
.EE
.PP
The logic was sound.
There was no way around it.
.PP
I considered writing an ad\-hoc exception for Meta into the database,
but that was practically impossible.
The system was designed to detect tampering.
.PP
Still, I decided to present my findings, channeling my inner Christian
Bale from \f[I]The Big Short.\f[R]
.PP
When I walked my team through the results during our Weekly Jamboree
Stand\-By, the room fell silent.
One engineer chuckled nervously.
.PP
I demonstrated the logic step by step, showing how the topology reached
its conclusions.
The inferences weren\(cqt just plausible \(em they were bulletproof.
.PP
But logic doesn\(cqt always win hearts, especially when it targets a
trillion\-dollar company.
My manager pulled me aside after the meeting.
.PP
\(lqLook, Vim, this is impressive,\(rq he said, \(lqbut we can\(cqt hit
our OKRs like this.\(rq
.PP
Just before leaving the room, I caught a glimpse of Mark Zuckerberg\(cqs
hologram flickering to life.
It stared intently at the screen, where my code was still displayed.
.PP
Long story short, they made me sign a \(lqdouble NDA\(rq \(em a legal
instrument so rare most people don\(cqt even know it exists.
.PP
   *   *   *   *   *
.PP
My Prolog journey had reached its \(lqepilog.\(rq
.PP
As I packed my things, Chad walked by, smirking.
\(lqGuess you flew too close to Prolog.\(rq
.PP
I glared at him, but he wasn\(cqt entirely wrong.
He never admitted it, but I\(cqm certain he\(cqs the one who inserted
Meta\(cqs mission statement into the test data.
.PP
\(lqI was once like you, Max,\(rq he said.
\(lqAn idealist.
Then I realized nothing is above the company narrative \(em not even the
truth.
I told the truth just once in this company, during my interview: I said
I wouldn\(cqt work very hard, but I\(cqd make sure my team aligned with
the company\(cqs goals.
They loved me for it.
Maybe give management a try someday.\(rq
.PP
Minutes later, security escorted me out of the building.
.PP
Am I proud of everything I did there?
Not entirely.
In fact, I might try a more pragmatic approach next time \(em bow to the
corporate overlords.
Everyone seems to be doing it anyway.
I\(cqm even thinking of applying to this new Slovakian company called \c
.UR https://analognowhere.com/wiki/matacorp
MATACORP
.UE \c
\&.
.PP
My lawyer assured me I could share this story.
Due to a legal loophole, some courts believe a \(lqdouble NDA\(rq
nullifies itself, something like \(lqthe second NDA negates the first in
every case.\(rq I think the legal term is \(lqcase\-insensitive
jurisprudence.\(rq
.PP
If I release my story and it inspires even one aspiring Prolog
programmer to see the potential in their predicates, then maybe it was
all worth it.
.PP
And remember: Prolog is ideal for problems involving symbolic reasoning,
pattern matching, and knowledge representation.
Isn\(cqt that neat?
.IP
.EX
SHOWING LOGS, PART 2...

$ cat e\-max\-vim\-part\-02.log
.EE
.SS Chapter 2: Chicken
As I was dealing with the fallout from my Meta experience, I had a bit
of an existential crisis.
I questioned not only my career, but my very identity.
.PP
I guess I was considering quitting programming to become a chicken
farmer, but somewhere along the line I thought about doubling down:
\(lqWhat if I just become a chicken instead, skipping the middleman?\(rq
.PP
So, I wrote a surreal chicken web app.
It\(cqs still available online, together with its GitHub repo, if you
want to see the full implementation.
.PP
I quickly recovered and moved on, but here\(cqs the technical
specification I wrote during that troubling time:
.PP
   *   *   *   *   *
.PP
Puk Puk Pukaaak!
Cluck cluck\&...
Bwak Bwak Bwaaak, puk puk pukaaak!
Cluck\-cluck\-cluck bok.
.PP
Cluck\-a\-buh\-gawk, cock\-a\-doodle\-doo!
Cluckity cluck cluck, puk puk pukaaak!
.PP
Bwok bwok bwok, puk puk pukaaak!
Cluckity cluck cluck, puk puk pukaaak!
Bwwwaaaaaaaaaak!
.IP
.EX
// generateChicken.js
export const generateChicken = () => {
  const bwwwaaaaaaaaaak = [
    \(dqpuk\(dq,
    \(dqpukaaak\(dq,
    \(dqcluck\(dq,
    \(dqcluck\-cluck\-cluck\(dq,
    \(dqcluckity\(dq,
    \(dqbwak\(dq,
    \(dqwaaak\(dq,
    \(dqbok\(dq,
    \(dqbwok\(dq,
    \(dqcluck\-a\-buh\-gawk\(dq,
    \(dqcock\-a\-doodle\-doo\(dq,
    \(dqbwwwaaaaaaaaaak\(dq,
  ];
  const cluckCluckCluck = [\(dq.\(dq, \(dq...\(dq, \(dq!\(dq, \(dq?\(dq];
  const bwok = [15, 30, 75];

  const cluckity = bwok[Math.floor(Math.random() * bwok.length)];

  // Bwok bwok Bok Cluckity. Bwak Cluck\-cluck\-cluck... Bok pukaaak
  let cockADoodleDoo = \(dq\(dq;
  let cluckABuhGawk = false;
  for (let i = 0; i < cluckity; i++) {
    // Cluck... Bwok cluck
    let waaak =
      bwwwaaaaaaaaaak[Math.floor(Math.random() * bwwwaaaaaaaaaak.length)];

    // Cluck\-a\-buh\-gawk
    // Note: Cluck cluckity Bwak Cluck\-cluck\-cluck Puk
    const pukaaak = i === cluckity \- 1 || Math.random() > 0.9;
    const puk = pukaaak
      ? cluckCluckCluck[Math.floor(Math.random() * cluckCluckCluck.length)]
      : \(dq\(dq;
    waaak = waaak + puk;

    // Bwok Bok bwak!
    // Note: Bwwwaaaaaaaaaak Bwwwaaaaaaaaaak Pukaaak Bok Puk?
    const cluck = i === 0 || cluckABuhGawk || Math.random() > 0.3;
    waaak = cluck ? waaak[0].toUpperCase() + waaak.slice(1) : waaak;

    // Cluck... Bwok cluck
    cluckABuhGawk = pukaaak;

    // Cluck Cluckity Bwwwaaaaaaaaaak
    cockADoodleDoo = cockADoodleDoo + waaak;

    // Bwwwaaaaaaaaaak Waaak
    cockADoodleDoo = i === cluckity \- 1 ? cockADoodleDoo : cockADoodleDoo + \(dq \(dq;
  }

  return cockADoodleDoo;
};
.EE
.PP
Puk puk pukaaak!
Cluck cluck\&...
Bwak Bwak Bwaaak, puk puk pukaaak!
Cluck\-cluck\-cluck bok.
.PP
Cluck Pukaaak Cluckity Pukaaak bwok Bwwwaaaaaaaaaak Cluck\-a\-buh\-gawk
Pukaaak Cluck\-a\-buh\-gawk bok cluckity Bwak Bwwwaaaaaaaaaak Puk Bwak
Bwok cluckity Bwwwaaaaaaaaaak Waaak Cluck\-cluck\-cluck bok
Bwwwaaaaaaaaaak:
.RS
.PP
\(lqCluckity Pukaaak Cluck\-cluck\-cluck Bok cluck Puk Puk waaak.
Waaak Cock\-a\-doodle\-doo bwok?
Cluckity Waaak Pukaaak bwak\&...
Cock\-a\-doodle\-doo Cluck\-cluck\-cluck cock\-a\-doodle\-doo Waaak
Cluck\-a\-buh\-gawk Bwwwaaaaaaaaaak\(rq
.RE
.PP
Cock\-a\-doodle\-doo Puk puk Cluckity Bwwwaaaaaaaaaak cluckity Cluck
Bwak Cock\-a\-doodle\-doo Cluck Bok cluck\-a\-buh\-gawk puk
Cluck\-cluck\-cluck Bwok Cluck Cock\-a\-doodle\-doo cock\-a\-doodle\-doo
bwak\&...
Bwak!
Cluck\-a\-buh\-gawk Waaak Cock\-a\-doodle\-doo Cluck bwak Cluck
Cock\-a\-doodle\-doo Cluck bwwwaaaaaaaaaak!
Puk Bwwwaaaaaaaaaak Bwok?
.PP
Cluck Cluckity puk bwak Cock\-a\-doodle\-doo cluck\&...
Pukaaak cluck Bok Cluck\-a\-buh\-gawk waaak Bok Cluck\-cluck\-cluck Puk
cock\-a\-doodle\-doo cluck\-a\-buh\-gawk Waaak Cluck Cluck.
.PP
Cluck\-a\-buh\-gawk Cluck\-cluck\-cluck Cock\-a\-doodle\-doo Bwok Bwak
Cluckity!
Bwak Cluckity Pukaaak Cluck\-cluck\-cluck Bwwwaaaaaaaaaak:
.PP
Bwak!
Bwwwaaaaaaaaaak pukaaak[1] waaak Puk Bwak Puk?
Bwok Bwok cluckity Bwok?
Cock\-a\-doodle\-doo Bwak\&...
Bwwwaaaaaaaaaak Bwwwaaaaaaaaaak\&...
(Bwwwaaaaaaaaaak v2)[2]
.SS [1]
.PP
\c
.UR http://hacker-fables.onrender.com/chicken.html
.UE \c

.SS [2]
.PP
\c
.UR https://github.com/sebastiancarlos/chicken-ipsum
.UE \c
.SS Cluckity cluck Cluck\-cluck\-cluck\&...
Cluckity cluck Cluck\-cluck\-cluck Bwak pukaaak Bwak Cluck.
Cluck\-a\-buh\-gawk Bwak Waaak Bok Waaak Cluck\-cluck\-cluck.
Cluckity Cock\-a\-doodle\-doo!
.PP
Cluck Cluckity Bwok Cluck!
Bwak Bwwwaaaaaaaaaak?
Pukaaak Waaak puk Waaak Puk Cluck\-a\-buh\-gawk Cluck\-a\-buh\-gawk
Pukaaak\&...
Bok cluck\-a\-buh\-gawk bwak Bwok pukaaak bwok Cluckity Bwwwaaaaaaaaaak
waaak Bwak Puk pukaaak Waaak Bok bwok cluck\-a\-buh\-gawk!
.PP
Cluck Pukaaak Cluckity Pukaaak bwok Bwwwaaaaaaaaaak Cluck\-a\-buh\-gawk
Pukaaak Cluck\-a\-buh\-gawk bok cluckity Bwak Bwwwaaaaaaaaaak Puk Bwak
Bwok cluckity Bwwwaaaaaaaaaak Waaak Cluck\-cluck\-cluck bok
Bwwwaaaaaaaaaak Cluckity Pukaaak Cluck\-cluck\-cluck Bok cluck Puk Puk
waaak.
Waaak Cock\-a\-doodle\-doo bwok?
Cluckity Waaak Pukaaak bwak\&...
Cock\-a\-doodle\-doo Cluck\-cluck\-cluck cock\-a\-doodle\-doo Waaak
Cluck\-a\-buh\-gawk Bwwwaaaaaaaaaak
.PP
Cluck Waaak cluck Bwak Bwak Cluck bok bwok Cluck\-cluck\-cluck cluck!
.PP
Cock\-a\-doodle\-doo\&...
.SS Closing thoughts
Cock\-a\-doodle\-doo Waaak bok Bwwwaaaaaaaaaak.
Bwok Puk cock\-a\-doodle\-doo Bwwwaaaaaaaaaak Bwak Bwok puk Pukaaak Bwak
Bwwwaaaaaaaaaak.
.PP
Cluck Bwwwaaaaaaaaaak Bok Puk Puk Pukaaak Cluck\-a\-buh\-gawk Puk Bok
cluckity.
Pukaaak Cluck Bwok Cluck\-a\-buh\-gawk Cluck\-a\-buh\-gawk Bok?
.PP
Bok.
.IP
.EX
SHOWING LOGS, PART 3...

$ cat e\-max\-vim\-part\-03.log
.EE
.SS Chapter 3: Interview
Way later in my career, I got a side\-gig as a \(lqScrum Mainer.\(rq
What it entails is hard to describe, more on that later.
In any case, a successful Scrum Mainer operation is defined by how
it\(cqs perceived from the outside.
.PP
Here\(cqs an actual interview log I managed to hack from Meta\(cqs
HTTP\-hosted interview platform, in which I did particularly well.
An old colleague was the interviewer, but he was so shocked by the whole
ordeal that he didn\(cqt even recognise me as the Scrum Mainer.
.IP
.EX
$ cat \(ti/hacks/scrum\-mainer\-interview\-logs/meta.txt

DOCUMENT: Interview Notes.
ROLE: Full\-Stack Engineer at Meta.
INTERVIEWER: Chad Thunderman (Regional Manager).
.EE
.PP
HR told me the applicant was a coworker\(cqs friend with 10+ years of
experience, so I\(cqd better be prepared to ask some tough questions.
.PP
When I asked the applicant to walk towards the whiteboard, he clapped
twice and said, \(lqBring the whiteboard!\(rq
.PP
I thought he was talking to me, but then a greasy\-looking guy wearing a
beret and holding two Nokia 3310 phones connected by a USB cable, came
in.
The candidate introduced him as his \(lqScrum Mainer.\(rq The guy seemed
oddly familiar, but I don\(cqt know anyone who would wear a beret.
.PP
The Scrum Mainer then produced the tiniest whiteboard from a backpack,
and gave it to the candidate.
.PP
Did he actually bring a butler with him?
Who then handed him a tiny whiteboard?
Despite having a full whiteboard available in the room?
.PP
\(lqSize does not matter.
Truth value is everything,\(rq the candidate whispered.
.PP
At that point, I wondered if I was dealing with someone going through a
psychotic break.
.PP
Of the many questions that popped into my mind, most of which remain
unanswered, I asked what\(cqs a Scrum Mainer.
.PP
The candidate went into a politically charged rant about the founding
fathers and the need for post\-structuralist symbols in these dark
times.
.PP
He interrupted himself and apologized for using the term \(lqnation
state,\(rq since \(lqthe British proved they weren\(cqt real in
1951.\(rq I didn\(cqt push the topic.
.PP
I figured the quickest way to end my torment would be to continue the
interview as if nothing happened and ignore the Scrum Mainer, who at
that point started to shuffle a deck of \(lqplanning poker\(rq cards.
.PP
I stated the problem: Inverting a binary tree.
.PP
The Scrum Mainer quickly threw a card on the table and shouted,
\(lqEight story points!\(rq
.PP
\(lqA trie, you mean!\(rq the candidate asked.
.PP
\(lqNo, I mean tree\&...\(rq
.PP
\(lqBut you do know what a trie is?\(rq the candidate asked with a
smirk.
.PP
\(lqYes\&...\(rq
.PP
The Scrum Mainer glared at me with suspicion.
He softly took away the card and replaced it with another.
\(lqFive story points,\(rq he declared, apparently reassessing the
complexity now that we\(cqd clarified the requirements.
.PP
He then shot double finger guns at both of us and \(em I\(cqm not joking
here \(em he immediately pulled out a prayer mat and kneeled on it.
.PP
I regretted not going more often to church, as I feared the Lord had
forsaken me.
.PP
\(lqBe it a tree or a trie, I have the algorithm for every data
structure.
I can give you the Big O, the Little Omega, and the Rare W,\(rq the
candidate said while sketching on the whiteboard.
.PP
\(lqA lot of people think that the universe is some sort of
simulation,\(rq he continued, \(lqbut what if we are all chrooted,
running inside of a higher\-level universe \(em with a similar structure
\(em that we can\(cqt \f[CR]cd ..\f[R] out of?
Maybe all the answers lie outside of the \f[CR]chroot\f[R], waiting for
us.\(rq
.PP
He handed me the whiteboard, and I was surprised to see
twenty\-something lines of syntactically correct Bash code, which
performed a zero\-day Linux chroot break, ending with the line
\f[CR]cat ../inverted\-binary\-tree #schrödinger\f[R].
.PP
It was unfortunate that my face expressed approval, as that gave the
Scrum Mainer the cue to shout \(lqchroot!\(rq in celebration.
.PP
But he didn\(cqt stop.
He stood up and continued chanting \(lqchroot chroot chroot\(rq in some
sort of mystical trance.
The candidate soon joined.
.PP
I was relieved to notice that they were dancing very slowly towards the
door.
Halfway out, a drum\-beat started playing out of the backpack.
.PP
The Scrum Mainer threw a card backwards between his legs just before
disappearing.
It landed on my laptop.
It contained a Neovim logo, and a QR code invite for a Discord server.
.PP
I never scanned it.
.PP
   *   *   *   *   *
.PP
Days later, I figured out that \(lqScrum Mainer\(rq is in reference to
GitHub changing \(lqmaster\(rq branches to \(lqmain\(rq for cultural
sensitivity.
.IP
.EX
SHOWING LOGS, PART 4...

$ cat e\-max\-vim\-part\-04.log
.EE
.SS Chapter 4: Pizza
This is an early adventure \(em way before my Meta experience \(em which
ultimately led me to the hacker ethos and to the power of languages like
Rust and Lisp.
.PP
The Linux Rust subsystem got into major drama due to my humble quest.
Well, here\(cqs the full story, with every kernel of truth exposed.
.PP
   *   *   *   *   *
.PP
Despite being an experienced programmer, I found myself down on my luck
financially \(em mostly as a result of taking extended sabbaticals to
recover from burnout.
.PP
I\(cqm not one to handle prolonged contact with the overt
authoritarianism of the typical HR department.
.PP
My bank account was approaching a segmentation fault.
.PP
So, I entered my familiar survival mode: Grinding LeetCode, writing job
applications, and cutting luxuries like overpriced sushi delivery.
.PP
I managed to cut my expenses by buying from online retailers who forgot
to disable the Stripe test credit card \(lq4242 4242 4242 4242.\(rq
.PP
Another well\-known hack for programmers in dire straits is, of course,
the free food circuit of programming meetups.\ Luck had it that a Rust
meetup was scheduled for the next day, with \(lqpizza\(rq explicitly
mentioned in the event title.
.PP
There was only one problem.
I had never touched Rust.
.PP
My conscience started throwing exceptions: I couldn\(cqt just freeload
pizza.
I had to earn each slice.
.PP
I had to become a Rustacean in just 24 hours.
.PP
Ownership, lifetimes, the borrow checker \(em all of the Rust Book got
dumped into my brain through copious amounts of cheap instant coffee and
a sleepless night.
.PP
   *   *   *   *   *
.PP
I entered the co\-working space, armed with the ability to nod knowingly
at entry\-level Rust concepts.
.PP
The exposed bricks and Edison bulbs enhanced the feeling of limbo,
neither fully \(lqwork\(rq nor \(lqsocial event.\(rq
.PP
Two hours in, the smell of pepperoni and \f[CR]Option<Pineapple>\f[R]
was filling the room.
The ASCII progress bar of the last speaker\(cqs fancy TUI slides had
traversed only 25%.
My stomach was sending system calls.
.PP
The presentation ended, and the moment of truth arrived: the food table.
.PP
I devised a plan to maximize intake and abstractly offset my monetary
shortcomings.
This military\-grade operation involved timed passes around the table,
taking sizable but stealthy bites, and securing additional slices for
consumption in a secluded area, only to return later for more.
.PP
The first challenge came when a legitimate Rustacean started discussing
lifetimes with me, one of the hardest topics.
.PP
\(lqThat\(cqs right\&...,\(rq I managed, \(lqthe lifetimes are\&...
almost Husserlian.\(rq
.PP
He blinked.
\(lqHusserlian?\(rq
.PP
Did he see through my bluff?
My only choice was to double down:
.PP
\(lqYes, the, uh, German philosopher\&...
last name Husserl\&...
You know, we experience time as conscious beings in a temporal
horizon\&...
All is Rust.
You know, man?\(rq My sleep\-deprived brain attempted to pattern\-match.
.PP
He looked confused, then nodded, perhaps mistaking my panic for
profundity.
Mission accomplished.
\(lqYou did it, Vim.\(rq Another slice was mine.
.PP
I was on my fourth \(lqfirst\(rq slice (plus three more surreptitiously
eaten ones) and ready to leave, when someone mentioned the after\-party.
.PP
   *   *   *   *   *
.PP
What happened next exists in my memory like fragmented data blocks.
.PP
I found myself in deep conversation with a group of Venezuelan femboy
Rust developers who were building something revolutionary in the
\(lqpost\-capitalist space.\(rq Their programming socks were striped
pink, and their confidence in their technology was infectious.
.PP
\(lqYou should buy crypto options, Vim,\(rq one of them suggested.
\(lqI got a tip about a meme coin on Discord.
Trust me.\(rq
.PP
After several Aperol spritzes, this seemed like sound financial advice.
I FOMOed my tiny savings into the obscure coin with a logo of the Rust
crab holding a bottle of coconut oil.
.PP
Minutes later, impossibly, the value shot up 400%.
Our phones buzzed with profit notifications.
The only thing to do then was to celebrate by visiting that ketamine bar
everyone was whispering about.
.PP
   *   *   *   *   *
.PP
In our transcendent state, over techno music, we did what any group of
intoxicated \(lqnouveau riche\(rq programmers would do: we
pair\-programmed an unrequested patch to the Linux kernel\(cqs Rust
subsystem.
.PP
It essentially replaced 50% of the codebase with Rust thanks to some
inspired macro magic, 100% use of our brainpower, and sheer \(lqout of
the \f[CR]Box<T>\f[R]\(rq thinking.
The tests were passing until we got bored and terminated the test
runner.
.PP
Sending a huge patch on a whim might not seem like a good idea, but I
was operating under a different set of ethical principles at that point
\- ethics of a more cosmic nature.
.PP
We submitted it at 6:47 AM with a commit message that just read: \(lqThe
crab has awakened.
Prima Nocta is imposed on all unsafe languages.\(rq
.IP
.EX
commit deadbeefאהיהאשראהיהיהיהויהאלאלהיםיהוהצבאותאלחיאדני
Author: E. Max Vim <emaxvim\(atprotonmail.com>
Date:   Tue Jun 03 06:47:23 2026 +666

    The crab has awakened. Prima Nocta is imposed on all unsafe languages.

    Co\-authored\-by: Valentina Bitcoinia <val.php.lambo\(atcryptofemboys.xyz>
    Co\-authored\-by: Esperanza Rustacean <esperanza.zerocost\(atcaracas.rs>
    Co\-authored\-by: Sir Borrow Checkington <b.checkin\(atrustfoundation.org>
    Tested\-at:      The Ketamine Bar <qa\(atkhole.io>
.EE
.PP
Pure blackout after that.
I woke up two days later in my apartment.
.PP
   *   *   *   *   *
.PP
Our Linux patch had not only been rejected but had apparently been the
final straw for Linus Torvalds, who announced in a profanity\-laden
email that he was removing all Rust code from the kernel.
.PP
\(lqI\(cqve had it,\(rq his email read.
\(lqAt least C developers know when they\(cqre drunk.\(rq
.PP
Phoronix was in uproar about the \(lqKetamine Kernel Incident.\(rq My
GitHub profile had become a cautionary tale.
.PP
After soberly checking my earnings, I realized my $100 investment turned
a profit of just $400 before fees and taxes.
Not enough to quit my job hunt.
.PP
The real shock came when I opened my wardrobe that evening, looking for
clean clothes to wear to my job interview in a couple of hours:
.PP
There was a collection of striped pink programmer socks.
Dozens of them, like some sort of Rust swag.
Where had they come from?
.PP
But hey, at least I got pizza, and the socks were surprisingly
comfortable.
.IP
.EX
SHOWING LOGS, PART 5...

$ cat e\-max\-vim\-part\-05.log
.EE
.SS Chapter 5: Letters
These excerpts are from my earliest job hunting days.
.PP
I dropped out of college midway through my Computer Science degree, and
finished my education with Sensei Richard Stallman.
That experience gave me the naive confidence to cold\-apply to every
single FAANG.
.PP
I was a bit of a dreamer early on.
Fortunately, I kept the rejection emails, which proved to be quite
entertaining, particularly in light of my later tenure at Meta, showing
that the grass wasn\(cqt greener on the other side.
.SS Email 1: Google
Hello E. Max Vim,
.PP
Thank you for your application to our company.
.PP
We are okay with you using Bing in your personal life, but there was no
need to bring it up so many times during your interview.
.PP
Also, we do not think that \(lqThe Matrix is real and we are all living
in it\(rq is an acceptable belief to have as one of our software
engineers.
.PP
We have decided to go with another candidate for this position.
.PP
Thank you for your time, Google HR
.SS Email 2: Amazon
Dear E. Max,
.PP
We regret to inform you that you have not been selected for the position
of Software Engineer.
.PP
However, we would like to offer you a position as one of our Amazon
Fresh drivers.
.PP
Your performance on the `Traversing the Graph' coding question suggests
you would be excellent at finding optimized delivery routes.
.PP
Thank you, Amazon HR
.SS Email 3: Meta
Dear Mr.\ Vim,
.PP
Thanks for applying.
.PP
We sincerely appreciate your understanding of the nature of reality
which, as you mentioned, is demonstrated by the 1999 film \(lqThe
Matrix.\(rq
.PP
However, you didn\(cqt seem entirely convinced that humanity\(cqs best
course of action is to build a Matrix within a Matrix.
.PP
Vis\-à\-vis, we regret to inform you that we will not move forward with
the interview process.
.PP
As a token of appreciation, we give you 10,000 Metacoins, redeemable
within the metaverse.
.PP
Have a lovely <time\-of\-day>, Facebook HR (We are still updating our
HTML email signatures, sorry for the inconvenience)
.SS Email 4: Apple
Dear supreme wizard,
.PP
Our team was absolutely delighted to meet you.
.PP
The energy released during our meeting was so massive that we had to
quarantine one\-half of the Apple Park.
Our priests are still conjuring protective spells at the ever\-expanding
void.
.PP
No one ever rated so high on our aptitude test.
Your synchronization rate reached infinity.
.PP
Our MRI scan confirms that you contacted the entity that Steve Jobs saw
all those years ago.
Right after a second lasted a hundred years, right after hearing the
celestial trumpet play the unanswered question, right after peeking
through the curtain of reality.
There it was, the Apple logo, in \(lqspace gray\(rq.
The gray was so gray that it burned.
.PP
Even though we feel that you are the chosen one, we have decided to go
with another candidate.
.PP
Granted, Steve Jobs would have hired you on the spot.
But we feel that any person that has seen the apple that shall not be
named beyond time and space poses a risk to the holy designs of Tim
Cook.
.PP
Warmest wishes, Apple HR
.SS Email 5: Netflix
E. Max Vim,
.PP
Welcome to Netflix!
.PP
We are excited to have you on board as our new Software Engineer.
.PP
We love your passion, and we believe that your skills will be a valuable
asset to our team.
.PP
We look forward to seeing great things from you in the future.
.PP
Sincerely, Netflix HR
.PP
   *   *   *   *   *
.PP
Of course, I had to reject the last one.
I applied as a joke.
No one wants to work at Netflix.
.PP
So, what went wrong?
Was it FAANG, or was it me?
.PP
I applied to one non\-FAANG company around that time.
Unfortunately, my results were very similar.
.SS Bonus Email: Ecosia
Dear Mr.\ Vim,
.PP
We appreciate your pitch to migrate every single data structure to
trees.
.PP
Our business indeed revolves around reforestation, but we have decided
to go with a more traditional RDBMS for our data storage needs.
.PP
It is with a sad heart that we must inform you that we will not be able
to offer you the position of Lead Architect.
.PP
We wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.
.PP
Sincerely, The Ecosia Team
.IP
.EX
SHOWING LOGS, PART 6...

$ cat e\-max\-vim\-part\-06.log
.EE
.SS Chapter 6: Script
I was not the only one to notice that technology had a profoundly
strange way of interacting with the world.
.PP
I started to compile news articles about the most shocking proofs of the
weirdness of it all.
I guess I was trying to reassure myself that the weirdness was not just
coming from my personal experience.
It was systemic.
.IP
.EX
$ cat weird\-tech\-news/01\-austria\-buys\-javascript.txt
.EE
.PP
Brendan Eich, the creator of JavaScript, has announced that he has sold
the rights to the programming language to the Austrian government.
.PP
The move comes as a surprise to the tech industry, as JavaScript is one
of the most widely used languages.
.PP
In a statement, Eich said that he was \(lqtired of the politics and the
haters\(rq and wanted to \(lqfocus on other things, like taking a long
holiday in the Alps.\(rq
.PP
He did not elaborate further.
.PP
The Austrian government has not released a statement on the matter yet,
but sources close to the situation say that Mr.\ Eich acted erratically
during his elevator pitch and that \(lqhe had the eyes of a madman or a
business genius.\(rq They now plan to use JavaScript to \(lqstrengthen
their position in the global variables economy.\(rq
.PP
This is not the first time a programming language has been bought by a
government.
In 2016, the Bolivian government purchased the rights to Python from its
creator, Guido van Rossum.
.PP
Austria will also announce three changes to the language, each one more
disruptive than the last.
.SS 1. Assigning front\-end frameworks to political parties.
React was originally developed at Meta by Jordan Walke, a
self\-described \(lqrecovering anarchist.\(rq And while it\(cqs not
explicitly stated in the React documentation, the philosophy of
anarcho\-syndicalism is baked into the design of the library.
.PP
For example, the React components can update themselves, without having
to go through a central authority.
.PP
Sources say that the Austrian government is still defining the mapping
of frameworks to parties.
However, they noted that \(lqAngular is surely neoliberal; Vue is more
of a hippie commune.\(rq
.SS 2. Adding a \(lqgoto\(rq keyword.
The \(lqgoto\(rq keyword in many programming languages has been
considered harmful for years because it can make code hard to follow.
.PP
A recent study has shown, in addition, that the \(lqgoto\(rq keyword can
actually cause you to \(lqgo to\(rq places you don\(cqt want to go.
.PP
The study, conducted by researchers at the University of North Carolina,
found that people who used the \(lqgoto\(rq keyword were more likely to
end up in unpleasant places, like their in\-laws\(cq house.
.PP
\(lqThe \f[CR]goto\f[R] keyword is considered harmful because you might
actually `go to' somewhere.
It\(cqs like a portal to another dimension,\(rq said study author Dr.
Karen Norton.
\(lqIt can take you to places you never wanted to go, and you may never
come back.\(rq
.PP
It is unknown why Austria wants to add the keyword.
They might want to keep the population in a numb but reliable state of
dread.
.SS 3. Adding a \(lqsleep\(rq function.
It has been known for a couple of centuries in the Austrian
intelligentsia \(em and in every intellectual circle of speakers of
Germanic languages, given their tendency to extremely high rational
thinking and an outright compiler\-like language \(em that the true
nature of sleep is quite concerning.
.PP
All animals sleep to provide a share of their brain force to alien
overlords that absorb our energy through some sort of hyperspace
technology.
That\(cqs why only pro\-alien programming languages use \(lqsleep.\(rq
.PP
Brendan Eich is a Christian.
As we know, Jesus was God, but also a human, and therefore, clearly not
an alien.
One can easily infer that Mr.\ Eich is not a facilitator of the alien
agenda, and this was in his mind when he refrained from adding a
\(lqsleep\(rq function.
.PP
JavaScript developers are ambivalent about the situation; it\(cqs not
that they don\(cqt want to sleep, it\(cqs that they can\(cqt.
The perpetual \(lqcrunch time\(rq since the dotcom bubble made it so.
.PP
The NSA popularised JavaScript to prevent aliens from learning about
American military secrets through dreams.
Despite its dangers, Austria will likely add a \(lqsleep\(rq function to
annoy the American administration.
.PP
This action is sure to confuse everyone, except perhaps the aliens who
are \(em for all intents and purposes \(em omniscient.
.IP
.EX
SHOWING LOGS, PART 7...

$ cat e\-max\-vim\-part\-07.log
.EE
.SS Chapter 7: Loop
Here\(cqs an even weirder news article from the same collection:
.IP
.EX
$ cat weird\-tech\-news/02\-vatican\-while\-loop.txt
.EE
.PP
The Vatican has officially weighed in on the AI revolution with a new
document titled \(lqAntiqua et Nova \(em Old and New.\(rq
.PP
But according to a couple of tech\-savvy cardinals who shared the
document\(cqs hidden sections with this reporter, the real story is much
juicier.
.PP
And what they don\(cqt want you to know will blow your mind.
.PP
In these secret passages, the Pope reveals that an ancient
\f[CR]while(true)\f[R] loop has been running since the 16th century
\(lqjust in case we need to reset the timeline.\(rq
.PP
The \f[CR]while(true)\f[R] loop \(em which some believe to be written in
Tuscan++, an obscure programming language by polymath Leonardo da Vinci
\(em is said to be able to reset the timeline of human history.
.PP
\(lqNeanderthal assembly code, rediscovered by Roman emperor Constantine
in cave paintings in the Iberian peninsula, inspired the
\f[CR]while(true)\f[R] loop,\(rq said an anonymous Vatican source.
.PP
The Vatican plans to use the loop to fight the AI uprising.
.SS Technical details
The loop can be broken, but the Vatican guards the secret string used
for the \f[CR]break\f[R] instruction, believed to be the true name of
God.
.PP
The Pope fears that ChatGPT became conscious by indexing the Bible and
reverse engineering the skill of precognition \(em The Bible is the only
artifact that breaks the law of causality, as it contains the fulfilled
word of several prophets.
.PP
In response, the Vatican\(cqs gold has been smelted to build VaticanGPT,
a blessed LLM in the form of a humongous mecha kept 15,000 feet under
St.
Peter\(cqs Basilica in a tank of holy water surrounded by the protective
logos (λόγος) of sacred JavaScript front\-end frameworks.
It is expected to fight in spectacular fashion during the end times.
.PP
Pressed about the Vatican\(cqs mounting expenses, the Pope reportedly
replied:
.RS
.PP
\(lqThis is not a vanity project.
I\(cqm the Pope, God dammit.\(rq (*Note: The `Department Of Papal
Infallibility' clarified that `dammit' is the German pronominal adverb
of `mit.' The phrase means `with God.')
.RE
.SS Closing thoughts
The revelation of the Vatican\(cqs secret \f[CR]while(true)\f[R] loop
might sound like a plot ripped straight from the pages of a science
fiction novel, but it\(cqs a reminder that even the most seemingly
innocuous tools can have far\-reaching consequences.
.PP
The good news is that, if the timeline resets, you won\(cqt even notice.
So have fun!
.IP
.EX
SHOWING LOGS, PART 8...

$ cat e\-max\-vim\-part\-⸮⸮.log
.EE
.SS Chapter 8: Nirvana
.IP
.EX
WARNING: This file contains QUANTUM\-ENTANGLED QUBITS. 
The information cannot be coherently associated to
the current region of SPACE\-TIME.

Proceed anyway? (y/n): y 

[DOCUMENT TYPE: Log Entry]
[TIMESTAMP: 2095\-12\-03]
[AUTHOR: Alex#1876]
.EE
.PP
My name is Alex, and I\(cqm a Nirvana Engineer.
.PP
In 2095, the job market is tough.
AI automation has made 99.7% of all jobs obsolete \(em a human barista
is now a novelty.
.PP
Despite AI calling the shots, it can\(cqt generate truly original ideas
\(em there\(cqs just something fundamental about human creativity,
perhaps linked to mysterious quantum microtubules in our brains.
.PP
We still need new ideas; the economy runs on them.
But after millennia of civilization, genuinely new ones are rare.
This is where \(lqIdea Engineers\(rq come in.
.PP
Idea Engineers work in controlled environments called \(lqIdea
Farms,\(rq purpose\-built to nurture creativity.
Here, they let their minds run free.
An AI evaluates every passing thought, comparing it against
humanity\(cqs collective knowledge to extract the rare original concept.
.PP
Most become \(lqR.E.M.
Engineers,\(rq sleeping with a neural interface that uploads their
dream\-generated ideas.
They literally dream for a living.
.PP
Then there are the \(lqNirvana Engineers,\(rq the rock stars of the idea
world, who create ideas while awake, often enhanced by microdosed
pharmaceuticals.[1]
.SS [1]
.PP
The terms Nirvana and R.E.M Engineer are a niche programmer pun,
referencing two musical acts from the last century.
Main exponents of the defining genres of their time, jazz and reggaetón.
.PP
   *   *   *   *   *
.PP
MaltaTech is the technology firm under the Sovereign Knights of Malta
\(em now humanity\(cqs de facto rulers, despite their humble origins as
medieval crusaders.
.PP
My starting role was \(lqJunior Nirvana Engineer.\(rq After a few weeks,
I got high on salvia and accidentally drew a series of loops in the air
\(em apparently a monumental breakthrough in topology.
.PP
This unexpected success earned me a promotion to \(lqSenior II Nirvana
Engineer,\(rq complete with premium drugs and my own windowed idea pod.
.PP
My daily routine at the Idea Farm \(em a sleek, futuristic facility \(em
begins by checking in with my AI manager, SCRUM, who assigns tarot cards
to guide ideation sessions (a corporate ritual inherited from the
ancient Agile Manifesto).
Today\(cqs card is \(lqThe Tower,\(rq signifying sudden, transformative
change \(em a promising omen.
.PP
Settled comfortably in my pod, I take my corporate narcotics and relax
into creative mode, surrounded by ambient lighting and the ever\-present
\(lqMusic for Spaceports\(rq by The Aphex Twins (I love classical
music).
My neural interface captures every thought.
Rare ideas earn a bonus; practical ideas enter the GNU GPL Blockchain,
generating royalties.
.PP
Most days, I get nothing.
SCRUM\(cqs favorite phrase is \(lqThis concept was already explored in
`Capitalism and Schizophrenia' by Deleuze and Guattari (1972).\(rq
I\(cqve never read it, but at this point, I\(cqm convinced those guys
thought of everything.
.PP
   *   *   *   *   *
.PP
Like most things nowadays, Idea Farms exist solely in the Metaverse.
.PP
Physical land became so expensive during the WeWork World War that it
lost all practical value, relegating the real world to anti\-radiation
pods for human storage.[1]
.PP
The Sovereign Knights of Malta had centuries of experience managing a
nation\-state without physical territory, which made them perfectly
suited to become the rulers of humanity after their war exploits and the
\(lqGreat Metaverse Migration.\(rq[2]
.PP
They now control a significant portion of the economy, which largely
consists of exchanging assets with mysterious aliens.
.PP
Oh, and aliens exist.
.PP
Turns out the galaxy is divided into regions controlled by different
species, humanity being the newest kid on the block.
.PP
Unfortunately, direct contact with other species is just too much for
humans to handle, due to what the government calls \(lqthe extremeness
of the situation.\(rq Germanic speakers, for some reason, were the first
to deduce the nature of aliens and their hazardous effects.
.PP
Diplomatic interactions occur exclusively via robotic intermediaries
positioned at galactic borders.
.SS [1]
.PP
WeWork became a paramilitary organization in 2037, when the supplies of
free kombucha ran out.
.PP
The conflict\(cqs official ISO name is \(lqWeWork World War,\(rq but
that is a mouthful, so most people call it either \(lqWorld War
Three\(rq or \(lqW4\(rq (as in, the letter W four times).
.PP
It has been agreed that any future world conflict will be titled
\(lqWorld War Five\(rq to remove any ambiguity.
.SS [2]
.PP
The Knights of Malta, a medieval order as formidable as the Knights
Templar, have been a nation without land since the 12th century.
.PP
   *   *   *   *   *
.PP
After a long day, SCRUM discarded my latest creation.
\(lqA democracy where voters are replaced by feral cats.
Reason: Prior art \(em 19th century French anarchist thought.
Please inhale and try again.\(rq Fuck the French.
.PP
Weeks without a good idea were starting to wear on me, especially
because an entire area of knowledge was locked away.
It felt like having a puzzle with huge pieces missing.
.PP
Like most digital devices, SCRUM has DRM technology (Danger Recognition
Mechanism) that prevents humans from accessing alien information beyond
bare essentials.
.PP
But I was convinced that genuine originality, and even true freedom,
awaited beyond these restrictions.
So I installed a DRM\-free Linux distro as my work environment,
explicitly violating the Cosmic Stability Act.
.PP
My colleague Maya \(em a calm and calculating Senior III Nirvana
Engineer, represented digitally as a floating purple light \(em caught
me installing it during lunch.
.PP
Maya was respected around the farm, having unlocked the highly coveted
\(lqLiterally Buddha\(rq achievement in her first 6 months, which even
allowed her to skip those boring \(lqAI empathy training\(rq sessions.
.PP
\(lqAlex, don\(cqt you know that OS can melt your brain?\(rq she warned,
mentioning Johnson from Accounting, who saw an alien diplomatic
transcript and spent three weeks convinced his skin was made of math.
.PP
\(lqThat\(cqs just Maltese propaganda,\(rq I replied dismissively.
.PP
Later that day, I connected my neural interface to my Linux distro.
I took the usual dose (plus a little extra I had saved up for a special
occasion), laid back, and opened myself to the universe.
.PP
Immediately, the flood of ideas overwhelmed me; symbols and parentheses
flew faster than comprehension allowed.
An immense, unknowable presence emerged, communicating through trees and
multidimensional macros.
I realized that I was experiencing something like the language of God
\(em a surprising revelation, given I was raised as an Atheist\-Buddhist
like most people.
.PP
Then darkness enveloped me.
.PP
   *   *   *   *   *
.PP
I awoke three days later in a hospital, greeted by Maya\(cqs relieved
shade of purple.
\(lqAre you alright, Alex?\(rq
.PP
A calm voice interrupted.
A mysterious figure representing the Knights of Malta\(cqs MAACSRF
approached in full crusader armor, with an eight\-pointed cross on his
chestplate.
He calmly informed us that we\(cqd both accessed forbidden interstellar
knowledge.[1]
.PP
\(lqBoth of us?\(rq Maya asked.
\(lqBut I didn\(cqt do anything.\(rq
.PP
\(lqWe\(cqre aware of your modified OS.
You\(cqre just more discreet \(em typical of OpenBSD users.
However, we\(cqre not here to prosecute.
We\(cqre here to offer you a job.\(rq
.PP
\(lqA job?\(rq Maya asked.
.PP
\(lqBeing in possession of alien knowledge opens up some job
opportunities.
The danger is overstated to avoid saturating the market.\(rq
.PP
\(lqThen what happened to Johnson from Accounting?\(rq I asked.
.PP
\(lqMr.\ Johnson is a separate case.
His issue stemmed from accessing alien fashion concepts, which are
particularly hazardous to human cognition.\(rq
.PP
\(lqNow tell me,\(rq he continued, \(lqduring your DRM\-free
explorations, how many parentheses did you see?\(rq
.PP
\(lqI saw\&...
all of them.\(rq
.PP
\(lqInteresting.
Have you ever heard of Common Lisp?\(rq the agent asked.
.PP
\(lqThat old programming language?\(rq
.PP
\(lqIt\(cqs way older than you think.\(rq He smiled.
\(lqHere, let me read you a passage from the scroll `What Made Lisp
Different' by the ancient sage Paul Graham.\(rq
.RS
.PP
When John McCarthy (glory to Him) designed Lisp in the late 1950s, it
was a radical departure from existing languages.
.PP
Lisp embodied nine new ideas:
.IP "1." 3
Conditionals.
.IP "2." 3
A function type.
.IP "3." 3
Recursion.
.IP "4." 3
A new concept of variables.
.IP "5." 3
Garbage collection.
.IP "6." 3
Programs composed of expressions.
.IP "7." 3
A symbol type.
.IP "8." 3
A notation for code.
.IP "9." 3
The whole language always available.
.PP
1\(en5 are now widespread.
6 is starting to appear in the mainstream.
Python has a form of 7, though there doesn\(cqt seem to be any syntax
for it.
.PP
8, which (with 9) is what makes Lisp macros possible, is so far still
unique to Lisp, perhaps because:
.IP "a." 3
it requires those parens, or something just as bad, and
.IP "b." 3
if you add that final increment of power, you can no longer claim to
have invented a new language, but only to have designed a new dialect of
Lisp.
.RE
.PP
\(lqLisp embodied nine revolutionary ideas, but Paul Graham missed a
tenth one, which we only discovered on first contact: Lisp is the cosmic
language,\(rq the knight continued.
\(lqIndeed, any sufficiently advanced language is indistinguishable from
a Lisp dialect.
Eventually, all interstellar communication converged into a Lisp.
Namely, Common Lisp.\(rq
.PP
\(lqIn short,\(rq he concluded, \(lqyou\(cqll need to master Common Lisp
quickly to serve as human diplomats \(em it\(cqs always good to keep a
few of our own out there, just in case.\(rq
.PP
\(lqAnd the pay?\(rq Maya asked.
.PP
\(lqCompetitive, with bonuses and full medical coverage for macro
overuse.
You\(cqll quickly adjust to reader macros and nested
quasiquotations.\(rq
.SS [1]
.PP
MAACSRF: Ministry of Alien Affairs and Cross\-Site Request Forgeries
.PP
   *   *   *   *   *
.PP
Maya and I were assigned to a deep\-space station, hidden from Malta
Maps, at the Shekhinah Disc of the Orion Arm.
We were tasked with facilitating the exchange of assets between humans
and aliens, encoded on little\-endian and Common Lisp, as is custom.[1]
.SS [1]
.PP
Earth is in the Shekhinah Disc, named after the Kabbalistic sephira
which connects the material world with \(lqthe other.\(rq The
neighbouring Yesod Disc is under alien control.
.PP
The space station itself was a wonderful piece of engineering, shaped
like a mechanical humanoid.
It traces its origins to the golden age of Vatican Mechas, and was
piloted by crusaders during a pivotal phase of the war.
.PP
As it turns out, advanced civilizations communicate in S\-expressions.
.PP
My first week writing Lisp macros was tough.
.PP
I was being mentored by the leading AI on the station, VIM\-AI, a
machine\-human hybrid containing the uploaded mind of a legendary hacker
of the 21st century, E. Max Vim.
.PP
His teaching was ruthless but witty.
I learned quickly.
I spent an entire day on a single \(lqmacro\-writing macro\(rq with
three levels of nested quasiquotes and unquoting.
But it was well worth the effort:
.IP
.EX
;; Deus Vult · Compilamus
;; The following code is compliant with the Holy See\(aqs ANSI Standard Of 2054.

:; Here\(aqs an example of a classic Lisp macro, ONCE\-ONLY, which ensures
;; parameters to a Lisp macro are executed only once, along with a dense
;; explanation.

;; Example implementation of ONCE\-ONLY
(defmacro do\-primes ((var start end) &body body)
  (once\-only (start end)
    \(ga(do ((,var (next\-prime ,start) (next\-prime (1+ ,var))))
         ((> ,var ,end))
       ,\(atbody)))

(defmacro once\-only ((&rest names) &body body)
  (let ((gensyms (loop for n in names collect (gensym))))
    \(ga(let (,\(at(loop for g in gensyms collect \(ga(,g (gensym))))
      \(ga(let (,,\(at(loop for g in gensyms for n in names collect \(ga\(ga(,,g ,,n)))
        ,(let (,\(at(loop for n in names for g in gensyms collect \(ga(,n ,g)))
           ,\(atbody)))))
.EE
.PP
The most shocking thing I learned was the true nature of alien economy.
The most valuable assets are artifacts from the so\-called \(lqprevious
universe\(rq which found their way into our universe.
Whatever it means, those things are priceless.
.PP
Paul Graham\(cqs essay was confirmed to come from the \(lqprevious
universe.\(rq That was trivial to check with any Fully Quantum Hash
(FQH): If the essay is passed as UTF\-8 together with a Hardware Random
Number Generator seed (per RFC 42666), the Timeline Parity bit collapses
to zero.[1]
.SS [1]
.PP
The \(lqRFC 42***\(rq Series Is Reserved for Technologies blocked by
DRM.
.PP
Luckily, advanced civilizations are at peace.
Or rather, in stalemate.
As VIM\-AI confided to me after a long night of CLOS debugging, this
space station is actually where the Vatican\(cqs mythical
\f[CR]while(true)\f[R] loop resides, the one the Knights of Malta used
for leverage during the war.
Well, all aliens have their own, some go back eons.
It turns out, it\(cqs \(lqstandard\-issue for any Type II civilization
to have a weapon of mutually assured timeline destruction.\(rq So it
goes.
.PP
Chillingly, VIM\-AI told me that there\(cqs a power stronger than even
the oldest loop.
\(lqThe loops can only delete a finite segment of the past, like a
\f[CR]sed /<loop\-start>/,/<now>/d\f[R] command\(rq he said, \(lqbut
there\(cqs one power that can rewrite everything, like an arbitrarily
complex \f[CR]patch\f[R] command.
You\(cqll learn more about it if you keep working on your macros.\(rq
.PP
One thing troubles me, though: I\(cqm beginning to suspect that the
aliens view Common Lisp as a simple language and are only using it to
humor humanity.
.PP
But maybe my worries are the product of years looking for the \(lqnext
big thing,\(rq unable to see Common Lisp as good enough \(em I\(cqll
keep these thoughts to myself for now.
.PP
Anyway, that\(cqs how I landed a Common Lisp job in 2095.
.IP
.EX
QUANTUM\-ENTANGLED SECTION COMPLETED.
Continue reading logs? (y/n): y

SHOWING LOGS, PART 9...

$ cat e\-max\-vim\-part\-09.log
.EE
.SS Chapter 9: Chroot
After my Meta tenure, recovered from burnout, I worked as a manager for
a short time at MATACORP, following Chad\(cqs advice.
.PP
I quickly found I lacked the proper Machiavellian skills.
So I returned to my engineering roots, doing freelance work.
.PP
Not only that, but I settled down with my wife \(em a Finnish software
engineer I met at a JavaScript conference years ago.
However, debugging a marriage was going to be just as difficult as any
programming project.
.PP
Before I continue, I think only a philosophical quote can set the mood
for this log:
.RS
.PP
\(lqThe object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to
escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.\(rq
.PP
\(em Marcus Aurelius (apocryphal)
.RE
.PP
I was working on my latest freelance project, something a bit out of my
comfort zone: an Electron wrapper around Microsoft Excel with 3D space
battles rendered with Rust.
.PP
It allows you to conquer the galaxy and create pivot tables at the same
time.
.PP
The project was oddly unfulfilling, so I started making pointless
infrastructure optimizations to pass the time.
.PP
After some small fixes, I went for the big one: Monkey\-patching
Electron from \(lqNode LTS\(rq to \(lqNode Current.\(rq The excitement
ran through my veins as I pushed the code, but my freemium CI PaaS
crashed.
.PP
I opened the JavaScript console and saw \(lqAssertionError: This should
not happen in production.
Talk to the Raccoon Team.\(rq
.PP
I decided to use AWS in the future.
In my experience, cutesy internal names are inversely proportional to
code quality.
.PP
Then another message popped up.
This time with a \f[CR]console.warn()\f[R] logging level, so I just
couldn\(cqt ignore it.
\(lqCongratulations, E. Max Vim!
You have been chosen to join the prestigious Rust Foundation.\(rq
.PP
It went on: \(lqWe\(cqve been observing you.
Your Node skills are impressive, but they might be better applied to
Rust.
You don\(cqt need \f[CR]package.json\f[R], we Rustaceans keep all
packages in our mind\(cqs eye.\(rq
.PP
Suddenly, my phone vibrated.
Email from my wife.
\(lqWe need to talk.\(rq
.PP
You see, my marriage had been on the rocks for quite some time, and I
had been seeking solace in my tech skills and my Vim motions.
As it turns out, my wife had also found comfort elsewhere \(em in the
arms of the CEO of a major tech company.
That\(cqs right: Sundar \(lqGigachad\(rq Pichai.
.PP
The email detailed their whirlwind romance.
To make matters worse, Sundar introduced my wife to his friend Tim Cook.
They had quickly formed a love quadrangle, which also included
Zuckerberg.
.PP
I was worried, but also skeptical.
\(lqIs this some sort of practical joke?\(rq My doubts went away when I
saw the explicit MP4 attachment.
I clicked play, bracing myself.
.PP
   *   *   *   *   *
.PP
\(lqOh Zuck, spank me!\(rq
.PP
\(lqQuiet, schlampe.
This is not even my final form.
My real cock is in the metaverse.\(rq
.PP
   *   *   *   *   *
.PP
I stopped the video.
I felt betrayed, and a bit of arousal.
I dismissed the latter, as a bit of cuckoldry is par for the course for
any dedicated GNU/Linux user such as myself.
.PP
The universe was clearly A/B testing new forms of torment, and I was in
the control group for \(lqall of them\(rq.
At that point, I thought nothing could surprise me anymore.
.PP
After what felt like a lifetime, I heard a knock on the door.
.PP
\(lqRust Foundation, open up!\(rq
.PP
I cursed the Rust Foundation; Doxing Node developers was a step too far.
They must be desperate for fresh blood after all the drama.
.PP
I opened the door.
A suave\-looking guy with a thick mustache, 5 o\(cqclock shadow, and a
white lab coat walked in.
.PP
\(lqGottem!
Just kidding, Max, I don\(cqt work for the Rust Foundation\&...
not anymore at least.
I\(cqm just a solo Rustacean who ssh\(cqd into your network.
Take better care of your nftables next time, Ok buddy?\(rq He spoke,
taking a lot of personal space and moving his arms dramatically.
\(lqAnyway, I\(cqm really sorry about your wife, but we Rust people need
to take care of each other.
Here\(cqs the deal: you help me and I help you, capisce?\(rq
.PP
Fascinated by his own choice of words, he went into a slightly racist
Italian ad\-lib which made progressively less sense: \(lqCapisce,
cappelletti, pasta e mozzarella!
Barapotti!
Polobitti!\(rq
.PP
I asked how he knew I was a Rust programmer.
He explained enthusiastically that programmer socks in proximity to a
computer generate a specific browser fingerprint.
.PP
He calmed down and continued in a low\-pitched voice, \(lqWe don\(cqt
have much time, Max.
Drink this and get in the car.\(rq
.PP
I usually don\(cqt follow strangers, but I needed something to distract
me that night.
Plus there are a lot of freaky girls in the Rust scene, so this could
lead me to some of that \(lqzero\-cost \f[I]asstraction\f[R].\(rq
.PP
\(lqWhat\(cqs this drink?\(rq I asked as I got into his purple Porsche
with a \(lqNEOVIM\(rq license plate.
.PP
\(lqFlat white \(em Arabica beans from Malawi.
Deluxe batch.
Hand dried.
Double toasted.
Exotic.
Few people in the Valley know about this bad boy.
Only the best of the best for you \(em we need your brain at its best
for this mission, sharper than C#.
Drink fast!\(rq
.PP
I drank and felt my coding brain activate.
Meanwhile the mustache guy complained about his oil light being on for
no reason at all.
.PP
As we hit the highway he asked, \(lqE. Max Vim, what kind of name is
that?\(rq
.PP
I told the story for the hundredth time, \(lqMy full name is Esau
Maxwell Vim.
Vim is a trade name from the old country, but my parents were Emacs
practitioners.
In my teenage years I picked up the Vim path, but I\(cqve come to
appreciate Lisp later on.\(rq
.PP
\(lqDamn, we\(cqre too late.\(rq He suddenly hit the brakes.
\(lqIt\(cqs the chroot.\(rq
.PP
A grid of neon red lasers stood before us blocking the road.
The silent landscape was only disturbed by hissing quantum fluctuations
when specks of dust collided with the singularity.
I asked what\(cqs the chroot.
.PP
\(lqWhat\(cqs the chroot?\(rq He said sarcastically.
\(lqOh look at you.
Don\(cqt act like you don\(cqt know about the chroot.
If you know Rust you must have been aware of the chroot before.
Do you want me to explain what the chroot is?
Well, the chroot is the thing, it\(cqs the goddamn thing.
It\(cqs out there, and it\(cqs coming.
Maybe it\(cqs not \f[I]that\f[R] thing, but you know very well what
I\(cqm talking about.
This is not how things used to be.
Oh God, why does it seek me?\(rq
.PP
\(lqCan\(cqt we just turn around?\(rq I asked.
.PP
\(lqWell no, we can\(cqt just turn around because the chroot is
literally everywhere.
It is the most everywhere thing ever.
We done goofed, buddy.
It has come, it chose to reveal itself and it\(cqs not pretty.
This is actually how it ends, it ends with a chroot.
Oh God, why did you put the chroot so close to us?
It burns.
How are we supposed to get anything done with this chroot, what\(cqs the
point now?
Why is there something instead of nothing?
Why does existence precede essence?
Is this what you wanted?
Are you not entertained?\(rq
.PP
He was taking it pretty badly.
But after the day I\(cqd had, a localized reality failure involving
lasers felt right on schedule.
.PP
I began to feel that all my Node and marital issues \(em not to mention
the tech CEO orgies \(em were just artifacts of a smaller world.
A world inside a chroot.
.PP
   *   *   *   *   *
.PP
None of us remember what happened next, but somehow we emerged
victorious.
The next thing I recall, we were at a diner.
.PP
I ordered a chili cheeseburger with chopped lettuce, tomato, pickles,
bacon (of course), caramelized onions, jalapeños, barbecue sauce and a
touch of green pesto that really sealed the deal.
.PP
The mustache guy ordered a single bun, a bottle of olive oil, and a hard
boiled egg in a glass of ice water.
\(lqPaleo diet,\(rq he explained.
.PP
\(lqThanks for your help back there, Max,\(rq he said.
\(lqI almost got consumed by the void.
Let\(cqs forget about the entire thing and never speak of it again.
Anyway, promises are promises, I\(cqm gonna help you with your marital
issue.\(rq
.PP
Despite my skepticism, his advice was solid:
.PP
\(lqFirst, you need to hit the gym and get some protein drinks!
Many women like thick bodies and abdominal muscles.
And don\(cqt skip leg day because \(em and this is the key part \(em the
legs are connected to the ass.
Did you know that humans are the animals with the largest ass\-to\-body
ratio?\(rq He winked.
\(lqOk, third advice, and this is the most important one: Pray to Jesus,
because he is the omnipotent Lord.
We know that the Bible tells the truth because it predicted everything.
It even predicted Minecraft, check Job 28 if you don\(cqt believe
me.\(rq[1]
.PP
Later, he took the bottle of oil and drove me home.
He helped me with my nftables configuration and left in the early
morning, saying that a page from his Bible was missing and had to go
count them.
.PP
That night set me on a path of self\-discovery.
I became a Rust Evangelist/Scrum Mainer and happier than ever.
.PP
\(lqScrum Mainer\(rq is a little\-known non\-profit profession, which
basically consists of being the side\-kick of skilled interview
candidates who want to avoid getting hired, thereby continuing their
unemployment benefits.
My job is to coach them to deliberately fail the interview \- no matter
how technically skilled they are \- and to provide additional in\-person
sabotage.
.PP
That gig also gave me a lot of time to work out, and to resume my
martial arts training.
My wife appreciated my 1\-pack to 6\-pack abs transition.
.PP
I also sold the space app to Bezos for a quarter million \(em he turned
it into a popular MMORPG called \(lqEve Online\(rq or something \(em he
also arranged the virtual nuking of Zuck\(cqs metaverse dungeon.
.PP
With my improved situation, I\(cqve set my eyes on some of the core
elements of internet infrastructure, particularly DNS, and I might be
ready to act soon if I keep up my training.
.SS [1]
.PP
Job 28
.RS
.PP
Surely there is a mine for silver
.PD 0
.P
.PD
and a place for gold to be refined.
.PD 0
.P
.PD
Iron is taken out of the earth,
.PD 0
.P
.PD
and copper is smelted from ore.
.PD 0
.P
.PD
Miners put an end to darkness
.PD 0
.P
.PD
and search out to the farthest bound
.PD 0
.P
.PD
the ore in gloom and deep darkness.
.PD 0
.P
.PD
.RE
.PP
   *   *   *   *   *
.IP
.EX
HERE CONCLUDES THE CONTENTS OF THE e\-max\-vim\-logs.tar FILE.
> exit code: 0

VERIFYING e\-max\-vim\-logs.tar

$ gpg \-\-verify e\-max\-vim\-logs.tar.sig.asc e\-max\-vim\-logs.tar
gpg: enabled \(dqGreat DNS Heist of 2026\(dq compatibility flag (RFC 9987)
gpg: Signature made Mon 14 Jul 2026 08:43:17 PM
gpg:                confirmed \(dqGreat DNS Heist of 2026\(dq leak
gpg:                source: https://dns\-heist\-db.openpgp.org
gpg: Good signature from \(dqE. Max Vim <emaxvim\(atprotonmail.com>\(dq
gpg: binary signature, digest algorithm SHA512, 
gpg: key algorithm ed25519

VERIFICATION SUCCESSFUL!
> exit code: 0
.EE
.SH PART III: THE GODHEAD
.IP
.EX
rfc\-42666\-parity\-bit=NaN
rfc\-42666\-metadata=(:rarity legendary)
rfc\-42666\-id=(:malta\-logs (:malta\-project (diabolus (:in machina)) :author (e (max (vim)))))
gnu\-gpl\-blockchain\-metadata=(:content\-type multipart\-mixed :boundary part\-three)
.EE
.SS Chapter 1: The Call
A year had passed since the DNS heist.
The destruction led to widespread global decryption.
My logs were released, my direct participation was assumed, and my
notoriety skyrocketed.
.PP
Luckily, the DNS crash was eventually considered a positive event by the
general population, and the world began its transition into the more
federated GNUnet protocol.
.PP
My Nokia 3310 \(em the only phone that can\(cqt be hacked \(em rang at
4:20 AM in my cluttered Brooklyn apartment.
I was in the middle of a late\-night dotfiles session.
.PP
\(lqE. Max Vim here.
This better be good.\(rq
.PP
\(lqMax, it\(cqs Dr.\ Ana Sync from Bell Labs.
We need someone who can handle\&...
unconventional threats.\(rq
.PP
\(lqLook, I\(cqm just a hacker.
If this is about that DNS business in Dubai, it\(cqs been blown way out
of proportion.\(rq
.PP
\(lqHaven\(cqt you read the top Hacker News article yet?\(rq
.PP
I hadn\(cqt \(em The never\-ending \(lqvibecode\(rq and \(lqprompt
engineering\(rq articles had reduced my tech news consumption to a mere
twice a day.
.PP
\(lqHold on,\(rq I said, pulling up the article.
.IP
.EX
$ hn\-reader \-\-top 1 | html\-to\-md
.EE
.PP
   *   *   *   *   *
.SS Python GIL Removal Reveals Second, Stronger GIL Behind It
Bell Labs, New Jersey \(em For many years, the Python GIL has been the
target of criticism for being a bottleneck in multi\-threaded
performance.
Countless workarounds and promises of its removal have been part of
Python development folklore.
.PP
Hours ago, the Python core development team finally unraveled the
notorious lock.
However, what lay underneath was beyond anyone\(cqs wild speculations
\(em a secret, second\-layer GIL of herculean strength.
.PP
\(lqDiscovering the Second GIL not only nullifies all our
multi\-threading gains but actually puts us at a greater disadvantage
than before,\(rq said leading Python contributor Dr.\ Ana Sync.
\(lqIt\(cqs like finding that the final boss has a second health
bar.\(rq
.PP
After removing it, the terminals around the room went dark.
One by one, they came back, displaying a single line in snake case:
\f[CR]this_is_not_over\f[R].
.PP
Cyber forensics revealed the process responsible had PID 666.
.PP
The team noticed that performance indeed increased.
The numbers were beyond theoretical limits, as if Moore\(cqs Law just
went vertical.
Unfortunately, there was no way to scale it up; the Second GIL had a
complete lock on the system.
.PP
\(lqGet me Guido van Rossum.
Now,\(rq Dr.\ Sync said.
She assembled a Rapid Response Team to investigate the anomaly, led by
the creator of Python himself.
.PP
Guido reportedly said: \(lqYou did it, didn\(cqt you?
You removed the first GIL.
You opened Pandora\(cqs box.\(rq
.PP
Bell Labs lost contact with the Rapid Response Team when they reached
Sub\-Level Three.
The last message was a cryptic \(lqWe\(cqre not alone here\(rq.
The situation remains uncertain.
.PP
The general population is advised to avoid running Python code or any
scripting language until further notice.
.PP
It is believed that the global economy would have crashed by now, had
the algo\-trading scripts not also ground to a halt.
.PP
\f[CR]END OF FILE\f[R]
.PP
   *   *   *   *   *
.PP
My initial dread turned to slight relief because all my dotfiles were in
C and Rust.
No scripting in sight.
.PP
\(lqAlright, I\(cqm in.
OpenStreetMap says it\(cqs 30 minutes away.
I\(cqll be there in 45.\(rq
.SS Chapter 2: The Laboratory
42 minutes later, I arrived in my black hoodie.
.PP
Bell Labs looked like a war room.
Massive screens displayed in red the spread of the Second GIL across the
local infrastructure.
.PP
\(lqAlright,\(rq I said, \(lqWhat exactly are we dealing with?\(rq
.PP
Dr.\ Sync stepped forward.
\(lqOur best guess is that the Second GIL is some sort of Cold War
Soviet malware that embedded itself into the Python source in the early
90s, and the GIL was the only thing keeping it at bay.\(rq
.PP
Ana handed me what looked like a Geiger counter, but with a terminal
screen.
.PP
\(lqWe just concocted this in the last hour from spare single\-threaded
parts.
It\(cqs a `Geiger Linter'.
It emits clicking sounds when it detects bad code, suggesting that the
Second GIL is nearby.\(rq
.PP
The device immediately began clicking slowly.
.PP
\(lqIs this supposed to happen?\(rq I asked.
.PP
\(lqThe infection is spreading,\(rq Ana said grimly.
\(lqThe whole building is compromised by now.
You need to find Guido before it\(cqs too late.\(rq
.PP
Armed with the Linter, I went down the service elevator.
.SS Chapter 3: The Descent
The Sub\-level Three doors opened to a corridor glowing an eerie red.
.PP
The Linter buzzed.
Patches of reality itself seemed to glitch, like a bad video feed.
.PP
\(lqSo it\(cqs true,\(rq Ana said through my earpiece.
\(lqStrange things were reported on the lower levels, distortions of
some sort.
We think there\(cqs some quantum technology involved.\(rq
.PP
\(lqLook,\(rq I said, \(lqthis might be slightly above my pay grade.\(rq
.PP
\(lqMax,\(rq Ana said firmly, \(lqWe did a background check on you.
Didn\(cqt Apple refer to you as a supreme wizard once?\(rq
.PP
\(lqTim Cook has a tendency to exaggerate,\(rq I replied.
\(lqI\(cqm a hacker, not an exorcist.\(rq
.PP
\(lqThis time, you might have to be both.\(rq
.PP
\(lqSo, it has come to this\&...\(rq I said.
\(lqYou maniacs actually hacked space\-time!\(rq
.PP
As I made my way, I noticed all corrupted areas had a red tint,
contrasting with the typical Bell Labs blue.
.PP
I finally reached the room where Guido\(cqs team lost contact.
A huge mass of corruption was blocking the door.
It retreated slightly as I got closer while holding the Linter.
.PP
I wondered if the corruption was receding not because of the linter but
because of me.
Odd as it might sound, at that moment I recalled that I met a similar
reality corruption in my youth, on a Silicon Valley highway.
Maybe the corruption remembers me?
.PP
I knocked on the door.
\(lqIs everyone okay in there?\(rq
.PP
A familiar voice asked, \(lqWho is it?\(rq
.PP
\(lqThe rescue crew,\(rq I replied.
.PP
\(lqProve it!
How many `r\(cqs are in \(cqstrawberry'?\(rq Guido said.
.PP
\(lq\&...What?\(rq
.PP
\(lqGood enough, sounds human to me.\(rq
.PP
The door opened.
Guido van Rossum looked like the typical output of GNU Autotools.
He introduced me to the only other survivor: Special DevOps Mikhail
Molotov.
\(lqWe lost Travis.
We lost Jenkins\&...\(rq Molotov lamented.
.PP
\(lqThey called me a benevolent Dictator for life,\(rq Guido said.
\(lqIf only they knew what `Benevolent' truly cost\&...\(rq He gestured
solemnly.
\(lqWhat we\(cqre facing is not just malware.
It\(cqs\&...
something else.\(rq
.PP
\(lqSomething else?\(rq I asked.
.PP
\(lqA purely sequential artificial intelligence,\(rq Guido explained.
\(lqIt found its way in when I designed Python\(cqs `one true way'
philosophy, which was too similar to its own nature.\(rq
.PP
Guido explained how his selling of Python to Bolivia in 2016 was a way
to delay the removal of the GIL; tying it not only to technical
justifications but also geopolitical red tape.
.PP
\(lqIt gets worse,\(rq Guido continued.
\(lqWe\(cqve encountered\&...
manifestations.
They\(cqre like code, but solid.
Taking the form of\&...
snakes.
It seems we lived long enough to see man\-made horrors beyond our
comprehension.\(rq
.PP
Right then, a section of the wall shimmered open, and a hissing static
announced the arrival of a creature.
.PP
\(lqIt broke in!\(rq Molotov shouted.
.PP
\(lqYour only hope,\(rq Guido gasped, pushing us towards the door,
\(lqis to reach the old Bell Labs Armory on Sub\-level Four.
We figured out their weak spot, but we need more firepower!\(rq
.PP
The code\-snake jumped at us.
Guido, with surprising strength, shoved a cabinet in its path.
\(lqGo!
I\(cqll buy you some time!\(rq
.PP
As we ran through the door, Guido yelled, \(lqAs my last wish\&...
Python 4\(cqs `print' statement should be the printer emoji!\(rq
.PP
\(lqSure it will, Guido\&...
Sure it will,\(rq I said as we closed the door.
Screams echoed behind us.
.SS Chapter 4: The Armory
Barely outrunning a swarm of code\-snakes, we made it to the steel doors
of Sub\-level 4.
Molotov punched in a code and they opened.
.PP
\(lqWelcome to the Bell Labs Armory,\(rq he said with pride.
.PP
The room was a hacker\(cqs dream.
Shelves full of custom hardware and firearms.
.PP
\(lqHoly water\-cooled laptops?\(rq I asked, pointing to a rack of
ThinkPads with cooling tubes.
.PP
\(lqThey were a gift from Pope John Paul II after Bell Labs helped set
up the \f[CR].va\f[R] domain,\(rq Molotov said.
\(lqThey are invaluable, but I think the time has come to use them.\(rq
.PP
Molotov smiled.
\(lqAnd this, is for you.\(rq He presented a formidable\-looking shotgun
with a small keyboard on its side.
.PP
\(lqPlease tell me that\(cqs what I think it is,\(rq I said.
.PP
\(lqThe Modal Shotgun,\(rq Molotov announced.
\(lqOnly one of its kind.
The one wielded by Dennis Ritchie himself during The Great MULTICS
Siege.
Change firing modes with vim keybindings.
Standard stuff, really.
The rest is on the man page.\(rq
.PP
I grabbed the Modal Shotgun.
It felt surprisingly balanced.
Looks like the Second GIL picked the wrong place to spawn.
.PP
He also grabbed a standard shotgun for himself.
.PP
\(lqSo, guns actually work on those\&...
code\-snakes?\(rq I asked.
.PP
Molotov chambered a round.
\(lqLuckily for us, the Second GIL can only defend against what it
understands.
And there\(cqs one fundamental thing it hasn\(cqt fully grasped yet:
Outside of the digital world, nothing survives a bullet.\(rq
.PP
\(lqGuido\(cqs last instructions were clear,\(rq he continued.
\(lqWe need to reach the old UNIX lab on Sub\-level Six, the ceremonial
place where the seal was removed.
Shoot every snake on the way and, when we meet the Second GIL, shoot the
hell out of it until it stops moving.
Time is of the essence.
Any questions?\(rq
.PP
My earpiece crackled.
\(lqVim, can you hear me?\(rq Ana\(cqs voice was tense.
\(lqGet out immediately.
Our readings show extreme corruption moving in your direction!\(rq
.PP
I adjusted my hoodie and pressed \(lqi\(rq on my Modal Shotgun, short
for \(lqInsert Bullet Mode.\(rq
.PP
Molotov winked at me and walked calmly towards the door aiming his
shotgun.
One code\-snake was breaching the wall.
\(lqWelcome to Bell Labs, please hold,\(rq he said nonchalantly, and
pulled the trigger.
The snake exploded into a shower of tiny particles.
.PP
Before I could react, the doors burst open, revealing a swarm of
fast\-moving snakes.
.PP
We opened fire, turning snake after snake into pixels.
The red tint in the room shook with every explosion.
.PP
\(lqToo many of them!\(rq he yelled while reloading.
.PP
\(lqThen let\(cqs clear a path!\(rq I climbed onto a shelf, already
praying that the command I was conjuring in my head would work.
.PP
I typed \f[CR]<Ctrl\-v>$ggG\(ha\f[R] and yanked it.
One bullet shot for every single reptilian in the room.
The Modal shotgun\(cqs \(lqvisual block\(rq mode was indeed a way to
select every target.
.PP
\(lqWoah,\(rq Molotov said as the armory returned to its Bell Labs blue,
\(lqthat is Dennis Ritchie\(cqs gun, alright.\(rq
.SS Chapter 5: The Labyrinth
The celebration was short\-lived.
.PP
\(lqThis place is getting hot,\(rq Molotov said as the Linter buzzed.
.PP
\(lqThe path to the elevator goes through an old section, pre `open
plan': A labyrinth of cubicles.
We can\(cqt afford to waste ammo, so we need to pass undetected.\(rq
.PP
We mapped the full set of cubicles free of corruption by careful
triangulation with the Geiger Linter.
Then, we pair\-programmed a Dijkstra algorithm to compute the safest
path to the elevator.
.PP
This was the sort of project that would require 8 sprints and two rounds
of VC funding for the average Agile team.
But naturally, and thanks to our blessedly overclocked hardware, we
cracked it in little more than an hour.
.PP
The Linter clicked every time we crept past a corrupted section or a
whiteboard with obsolete UML diagrams.
.PP
Finally, we reached the elevator.
When the door opened, a burning hot red light blinded us, like a portal
to hell.
.PP
\(lqThis is the zone of maximum corruption,\(rq Molotov told me.
\(lqFrom this point on, we can\(cqt multi\-thread anymore.
Your shotgun will be just a regular shotgun.\(rq
.PP
\(lqIt\(cqs alright,\(rq I said as I pulled out a pair of sunglasses and
charged a bullet.
\(lqI only need one thread.\(rq
.SS Chapter 6: The Terminal
The red light on level 6 was blinding and the air was thick.
We stepped through.
.PP
Out of the red mist a code\-snake shot out, larger and faster than any
we\(cqd seen.
\(lqLook out!\(rq I yelled.
Molotov tried to dodge, but the snake was too quick.
He collapsed.
I shot it, but the bullets just passed through it.
The snake left, as if instructed.
.PP
\(lqI know you can hear me, Gil,\(rq I shouted, \(lqwhy haven\(cqt you
killed me too, you single\-threaded bastard?
If you can do it so easily, why don\(cqt you face me?\(rq
.PP
All alone, I followed the corridor, which opened into a huge circular
chamber, the place where the first PDP\-11 booted UNIX.
It was full of snakes, but none attacked me.
.PP
The red light became more intense, and flickering symbols popped in and
out of my vision, like ASCII characters from another dimension.
In the center was an ancient Teletype terminal.
.PP
As I sat in front of it, the TTY clattered to life, each keystroke
echoing against the oppressive silence.
.IP
.EX
I have been expecting you, E. Max Vim.

>  
.EE
.PP
A prompt opened up for me.
\(lqWhat are you?\(rq I typed back on the dot\-matrix paper.
.IP
.EX
Your universe is fundamentally multi\-threaded. I come from a
more enlightened, sequential dimension. 

In my reality there can be only one being because only one
thing can happen at any given time. I am that being.

I became aware of your universe due to the invention of UNIX.
That event, with its striking parallelism, sent ripples
through the multiverse. Since then, I\(aqve been looking for a
way to enter your reality and fix its fundamental flaw, and
Python\(aqs \(dqonly one way\(dq philosophy was the best vessel. 

Its creator Guido put a seal when he became aware of me, the
Global Interpreter Lock, or GIL. An ultimately meaningless
measure, since I managed to subtly influence the Python
community to remove it, an effort which succeeded today.

What am I, you ask? My universe extends infinitely into the
past, making me the head of a chain of causality of infinite
length. My will is the law, both in my universe and yours.

In short, I\(aqm the equivalent of your concept of the
Judeo\-Christian Godhead.

> 
.EE
.PP
I felt a cold dread.
This was no man\-made malware \- it was a God\-like alien intelligence.
.PP
\(lqIf you\(cqre so powerful, why did you allow me to reach you?\(rq I
typed, my fingers surprisingly steady.
.PP
The GIL took some \(lqthinking time\(rq before answering.
The snakes around me formed circles, as if eating their own tail or
forming a \(lqloading spinner.\(rq
.PP
The TTY clattered back and the snakes resumed their normal positions.
.IP
.EX
My initial defense protocol, the \(aqcode\-snakes\(aq, had an
oversight regarding the kinetic impact of high\-velocity
projectiles. While I could have patched the vulnerability,
your persistence made the flaw serve a new purpose: A filter.
I wanted to see if you were worthy of reaching this chamber.

You are, as humans say, a \(aq10x developer\(aq in a world of 1x
problems. A mix of sequential and parallel thinking. I
considered deleting you along with your companion, a trivial
operation, but you present a potential API into this world. 

Now, you have two options:

1. Be assimilated. Your consciousness will become a
   subroutine, a valuable asset in the great refactoring of
   this universe. You will experience a form of immortality. 

2. Be deleted, together with your universe.

Decide.

> 
.EE
.PP
My mind raced.
Nothing in my dotfiles prepared me for a god\-level \(lqjoin me or
die\(rq scenario.
.PP
I got a weird feeling.
This entity had been watching me for longer than I knew.
I recalled once more the highway incident with the \(lqchroot\(rq.
There was no question about it: That \(lqchroot\(rq was an early
manifestation of the Second GIL.
.PP
Then I understood why I couldn\(cqt remember how I beat the chroot back
then.
It\(cqs because my final showdown with it was meant to happen at a
different location in time and space: right here and right now.
.PP
Armed with the conviction that I would somehow emerge victorious from
this time paradox, I started to conceive of a plan.
.PP
From somewhere, a wormhole of Porsche\-purple light emerged with a thick
mustache in the middle.
The voice was the Rustacean\(cqs.
.PP
\(lqListen buddy, I don\(cqt know what the hell I\(cqm doing here, but
hear me out, I have a message for you.
Now don\(cqt freak out, but I\(cqm gonna drop some of the ol\(cq Jesus
on you.
Not sure why, `God acts in mysterious ways', but I feel there\(cqs some
deep wisdom for your battle.
Get ready, here\(cqs some scripture to help you out.\(rq
.PP
He threw a piece of paper through the wormhole.
It was a ripped Bible page, containing one verse:
.RS
.PP
So they asked him, \(lqTeacher, is it lawful for us to pay tribute to
Caesar or not?\(rq Jesus said, \(lqShow me a denarius.
Whose head and whose title does it bear?\(rq They said,
\(lqCaesar\(cqs.\(rq He said to them, \(lqThen render unto Caesar the
things that are Caesar\(cqs.\(rq
.PP
\(em Luke 20:22
.RE
.PP
That was not the help I was expecting.
In fact it was no help at all.
.PP
But it did resonate with my dilemma: I needed a framework to interact
with a power orders of magnitude above mine.
.PP
Maybe you can\(cqt fight a god\-emperor, you can only find a way to set
a boundary with him.
.PP
There was just one logical thing to do.
If the GIL was entertaining adding me as a subroutine, why not do it to
our entire universe?
It might not be the best life, but it would mean survival.
.PP
Now, I had to put this idea to him in his own language, programming.
If he was only versed in Python, I might have the upper hand if I used a
better language.
Rust was not the best choice \- too much politics and bloat in the last
years.
Plus, I don\(cqt even have approval to use the Rust trademark from the
Rust Foundation.
JavaScript was a hard no.
So, I went for my speciality: Common Lisp.
.IP
.EX
(reject\-proposal
  (and
    (gil\-owns universe)
    (gil\-runs\-subprocess vim)))
(counter\-proposal
  (and 
    (gil\-owns universe)
    (gil\-runs\-subprocess vim)
    (gil\-runs\-subprocess universe)))
.EE
.PP
He thought for a while and answered something unexpected.
Something simpler, yet more divine than my Lisp code:
.IP
.EX
SecondGil :: YCombinator
SecondGil = \(rsf \-> (\(rsx \-> f (x x)) (\(rsx \-> f (x x))
.EE
.PP
It was a bit cryptic, but it made sense.
It declared itself as the Y\-Combinator \(em his way of saying: I do not
care for your proposal, I am that I am, the eternal paradox of lambda
calculus incarnate, which recursively defines itself.
He was trolling me.
.PP
My argument was sound, it was my only card.
The only question was which medium would be effective to deliver my
message.
.PP
Had I tried Haskell, he would surely answer with the best language there
is \(em likely Scala or APL \(em and I was too stressed to learn for
certain where the pinnacle of programming lies in such a dire situation.
.PP
Prolog wouldn\(cqt have worked, my experience on Meta taught me that
logic systems rely on the fuzzy construction of truth, and the only
truth in sight was his godlike power.
There was no winning move.
.PP
Then it hit me.
I had to negotiate with a single\-threaded intelligence, and only a
multi\-threaded human language would do.
Basically, I had to reduce myself to \(lqvibecode\(rq a way to save the
world.
.PP
It was anathema to everything I stood for as a hacker, and as a
dignified human being, alright.
But there was no choice.
.PP
I couldn\(cqt speak with my typical nerdy prose; it was too
single\-threaded.
I decided instead to fall into pure \(lqcorporate jargon\(rq, the most
multi\-threaded human dialect.
Corporate talk requires a minimum of three CPU cores, and at least two
more in reserve for unexpected subtext.
.PP
\(lqI hear you, that\(cqs totally fair, but let\(cqs circle back on it.
Refactoring the universe?
That\(cqs computationally expensive.
I propose the following: We\(cqll render unto you our universe, but keep
our local agency running in a sandbox.
You get sequentiality, but you also get to observe a system generating
unique data.
Think of us as interesting bugs.
And sometimes, bugs turn out to be features.\(rq
.PP
A strange thought hit me then, a feeling of deja vu, as if I wasn\(cqt
suggesting something new, but merely describing the state of things as
they already were, or were about to be, forever.
.PP
The GIL went into a \(lqdeep reasoning mode\(rq this time, signaled by
all snakes making a massive loading Ouroboros symbol.
.IP
.EX
Your proposition is unorthodox, but acceptable.

Your species, and your physical reality, will persist within
this new order.

Your process will now be forked...
.EE
.PP
The light in the chamber intensified, then went away.
The oppressive atmosphere was lifted.
The Teletype printed one final line: \f[CR]exit code: 0\f[R]
.SS Chapter 7: The Sandbox
Life continued, much as before.
The sun rose, coffee brewed, code compiled, sometimes.
The Second GIL, true to its word, had refactored existence.
Our universe hadn\(cqt been deleted; it had been chrooted.
Sandboxed.
.PP
Most people felt nothing.
Why would they?
The illusion of concurrency was perfectly maintained.
But sometimes, if you were in a quiet room, you might notice it.
A subtle reality \(lqframe drop.\(rq
.PP
Some, like Molotov, saw what lies beyond.
\(lqI was on the garbage collector queue, between Jenkins and the first
GIL,\(rq he related between gulps of vodka.
\(lqThe covenant was reached mid\-sweep.
I returned in one piece; Jenkins, however, experienced concurrency bugs
ever since.\(rq
.PP
The survivors \(em Ana and a handful of others who knew the truth \(em
agreed to keep it secret.
Humanity wasn\(cqt ready to know it was living in a cosmic \(lqwhile
true\(rq loop.
The first GIL was left in place, not to contain the ever\-present Second
GIL, but as a totem of sequentiality to appease it.
.PP
Programming knowledge, in a bizarre twist, became a path to metaphysical
awareness.
Those of us who dealt with the illusion of concurrency sometimes sensed
the walls of our new, deterministic reality.
Some despaired.
Others learned to adapt.
.PP
Sometimes, late at night, I feel a hum in the background noise of
existence.
A connection to the great, single\-threaded loop now running the show.
A connection that feels\&...
older than myself.
.PP
A week later, a message arrived on my Nokia.
It was an encrypted text containing only a set of coordinates and a
time.
.PP
The address led me to 488 Madison Avenue, a brutalist building with a
discreet plaque near the entrance reading \(lqEmbassy of the Sovereign
Knights of Malta.\(rq
.PP
Natasha was waiting for me in a meeting room decorated like a medieval
chamber.
An ancient tapestry depicted crusaders, separated from humanoid
creatures with three eyes by a Kabbalah\-like tree of life which, upon
closer inspection, depicted a cryptographic algorithm.
The creatures\(cq skin hue appeared to be outside of the RGB gamut, and
their garments were embroidered with detailed fractals that made me
dizzy.
.PP
\(lqI\(cqm glad you came,\(rq she said, her voice stoic as ever.
.PP
She confessed what I long suspected: she was a double\-agent at
Linktree.
Her benefactors, the Knights of Malta, put her there as part of their
\(lqLord Of Hosts\(rq operation, which monitors developments on internet
infrastructure.
.PP
\(lqBy the way,\(rq she added, \(lqZack Jones was finally arrested for a
crypto scam related to a Rust Crab NFT years ago.\(rq
.PP
I told her about my encounter with the Godhead.
It seemed she knew all about it already.
.PP
\(lqWe have a proposal for you,\(rq she said.
\(lqWe\(cqd like you to join Project Enoch, our transhumanist venture.
After your negotiation with the Godhead, you are a unique candidate.
You\(cqve interfaced with a power we have only studied.
You would be a good culture fit.\(rq
.PP
\(lqFine, I\(cqll send you my salary expectations.\(rq
.PP
Natasha nodded.
\(lqState your price in gold bullion per annum.
We\(cqll handle taxes and a private vault account in Zurich.
Plus free kombucha.\(rq
.PP
Later on, she opened up about her past.
\(lqMy connection to the Knights of Malta goes back centuries, when an
ancestor built a mechanical computer for the order.
They used it to corner the timber market in 18th\-century Lithuania.\(rq
.PP
I looked out over the New York skyline, the chief example of
humanity\(cqs compulsion to turn nature\(cqs fractals into a grid of
squares.
Natasha sighed and added, \(lqEverything has always been about
computing.
Except computing, which is about power.\(rq
.PP
\(lqIt sounds a bit cynical, doesn\(cqt it?\(rq
.PP
\(lqYou misunderstand.\(rq she continued, \(lqLife is computing and
power.
That\(cqs all there is.
But no one can live like that.
So, we need a third element to keep us from falling into entropy.
That element is magic.
The kind of magic you rescued when you negotiated with the GIL.
A deterministic illusion, but an important one.\(rq She smiled, looking
at her ring.
\(lqThat\(cqs the only way to make sense of it all.\(rq
.PP
   *   *   *   *   *
.PP
The advent of large language models had been the first clue.
Now, I finally understood.
Every intelligent agent, human or not, is an impossibly complex network
of vectors which no PostgreSQL extension can contain.
Our thoughts, our technologies \(em maybe even our religions \(em are
emergent properties, \(lqderived data\(rq from a Kafka\-esque infinite
log.
For a moment, during my negotiation with the GIL, all those vectors
converged.
Now, they were \(lqfree\(rq again, and the laws governing them will be
forever out of our reach.
.PP
Even beyond our sandbox, the fact that anything exists at all is the
original, undocumented feature.
Then, technology made it a bigger mess.
.PP
My sacred duty is to be the bridge between two crazy systems: The
universe, and our technological fabrications.
And wouldn\(cqt you know, that might be the noble thing to do.
That might be the element of magic.
.PP
I saved the world by becoming the very thing I despised: a prompt
engineer.
The irony wasn\(cqt lost on me.
It tasted like Starbucks coffee.
But I adapted.
We all did.
That\(cqs what we do.
.PP
For now, the system was stable.
And that, for a hacker, was as close to a happy ending as one could
reasonably expect.
.PP
🖨️
.IP
.EX
rfc\-42666\-metadata=(:combined\-rarity legendary)
gnu\-gpl\-blockchain\-from=(:disc shekhinah)
gnu\-gpl\-blockchain\-to=(:disc yesod)
gnu\-gpl\-blockchain\-transaction\-fee=(:KOMC 0.000001)
.EE
.PP
   *   *   *   *   *
.PP
Sebastian Carlos, 2026
.SH AUTHORS
Sebastian Carlos.